Tales From the Great Reset: I Went to the Ukraine to Play Call of Duty and Get Laid, But Got Banged Up Abroad Instead
American Chad, a veteran of General Milley’s woke army, joined a Reddit battalion to fight in Ukraine & get laid; but he got more than he bargained for. This is his story of getting banged up abroad.
I was US Army and played Call of Duty in Afghanistan and Iraq. But when those wars ended, the Army got a little boring. How many understanding white rage and white privilege training sessions can a straight white male endure when he rather be out shooting and blowing things up? That’s what I had signed up to do. If I wanted to understand white rage or examine my white privilege, I would have attended a university!
When it was finally time to re-up under the new Administration, I got told the entire military was undergoing a Great Reset. The Army would be downsizing significantly and I need not apply - unless I planned to transition to another gender as that Admiral did.
Until I figured things out, I went back to my hometown to do security for a while, as there was no shortage of those sorts of jobs now. What I quickly figured out was that I was bored again. After being in the US Army, I wanted another job where I could go to foreign countries to shoot and blow things up - maybe I needed to join Blackwater or something.
That’s when I started following Putin’s buildup around and then the invasion of Ukraine on social media and Reddit threads. Everyone, whether in the media or on social media/Reddit, was saying how bad the Ruskies were at fighting and how they were getting their asses kicked!
Then I heard the Ukrainians had formed a
foreign legion Reddit battalion and were looking for volunteers to play Call of Duty against the Russians. I started reading all the Reddit “how to” threads of those who had already gone over there to play.
I remember in particular two guys (ex-US Army) whose user names or handles were “Kyiv Bob” and “The Russian Slayer.” They were constantly bragging about and posting selfies with their Russian kills. They even claimed they were bagging so many Russians in the field, and banging so many hot Ukrainian soldier chicks when they got back to base at night, that they had lost count of them all! They said if we didn’t get our asses over to Ukraine, hunting season for Russians would be ending soon and all the hot soldier chicks would be already taken by the early birds!
I decided then and there to get my ass over there to bag Russians and bang hot Ukrainian soldier chicks! I was (after all) an experienced Call of Duty player from the US Army where the game was always played like this:
First, there was a massive night-long shock-and-awe attack by bombers and missiles launched from hundreds of miles away that destroyed EVERYTHING standing as in BOOM! BOOM! KABOOM!
Unless, of course, there is a more precise target that is hiding among valuable oil wells that can’t be damaged. In those cases, the drones got sent in to hunt down, corner, and then BANG! They shoot the target remotely - like you shoot deer. Or when they wanted to leave no evidence or trace, the drone would go Kamakazi and blow the person up into a million tiny pieces as in BAMM! and SPLATTER!
After breakfast, the real fun would begin as that’s when us infantry guys got to play Rambo and do all the mopping up. IF we made contact with the enemy (or if we found anything to be left standing from the shock-and-awe campaign), it was more BOOM! BOOM! KABOOM! We would radio for more precision bomber, fighter, drone, missile, and artillery strikes to blast it to smithereens! Then we would blast away with our guns anything left alive and still moving, as in BANG! BANG! BANG! It was always hard work as we were loaded down with dozens of magazines of ammo (with resupply via the air throughout the day as we ran out from shooting at everything in sight…).
If we got lucky, we might capture a living enemy, or someone who might be an enemy, to take back to base for some fun called waterboarding as in DRIP! DRIP! DROWN!
We were usually back to base camp and done waterboarding any prisoners before sundown and in the chow line before the apple pies were all gone!
Since the Ukrainians were trained and supplied by NATO, and everyone in the media/social media/Reddit was saying how the Russians were getting their buts kicked and surrendering themselves and their equipment without a fight, how much different could it be to play Call of Duty there against the Ruskies?
Pedro L. Gonzalez @emeriticusWestern and Ukrainian media lied to the world about Ukraine dominating the battlefield. That encouraged foreigners to sign up for presumably easy combat against Russia. Now a lot of them are dead. Your delusions have real consequences and they get people killed. https://t.co/qbfgcSW1gT
I could go to Ukraine, bag my share of Russians, bang some hot Ukrainian soldier chicks, and become a social media sensation with pictures, selfies, and tales of my daring combat exploits - just like “Kyiv Bob” and “The Russian Slayer” were doing!
The online application to join the Ukrainian foreign legion was even simpler than my application to join McDonald’s before I was in the army. In fact, it asked fewer questions than getting a Reddit or Twitter account these days! All I was asked for was my name, proof that I had received a COVID vaccine plus booster, and if I had any military experience.
It only took a few hours to receive an email saying I was accepted! All I needed to do was fly at my own expense with my own kit (fatigues, body armor, and the like but minus any weapons, of course) to the nearby NATO country of Poland. They would get me over the border from there (for free), and then I would sign the formal contract.
Within days of buying a new kit, I flew straight to Poland where I was met at the airport by a young but non-uniformed guy holding a sign that said “American Chad.” Without stopping even for a bathroom or Starbucks break, I got driven straight to the Ukraine border. There he handed me over to some big burly guys with arm patches containing a strange-looking insignia that I had never seen before:
When I got to the training camp outside a big Ukrainian city near the Polish border, I was handed a piece of paper written in Ukrainian and told to sign at the bottom. However, I told them, “But I can't read what it says?”
“What difference does it make?” a burly Ukrainian wearing the strange ensign replied. “It’s what you American Chads call the ‘fine print.’ Do you always read the ‘fine print?’ It's just legal mumbo-jumbo. We do not want lawsuits. Just sign so we can start your Ukrainian orientation training…”
He did have a point. I mean, what difference does it make? Who reads all the "fine print" paperwork when signing up for a credit card, taking out a car loan, or filling out an online form? Besides, the Ukrainians looked just like me and thus could be trusted not to dupe me. They did not look like the sort of people who can't be trusted, and therefore are allowed to be bombed or become refugees.
After I signed the paper, I asked where to find the hot soldier chicks I was promised on the Reddit threads. “Don’t worry my dear American Chad!” One of the Ukrainians replied. “Our hottest and most experienced soldier chick will be finding you later!” Then he winked… That was a relief as I wasn’t seeing any hot ones when I was briefly checked Tinder on the way to the camp…
I was now free to look around the camp and meet my fellow Reddit battalion members. They mostly turned out to be just like me as they were young foreigners from all over the world, but mainly from NATO countries like the USA, UK, Canada, and Europe. Although some of my fellow Reddit battalion members seemed like they were hmmm… on something or maybe a little off (to put it politely) and a bit unruly…
Nevertheless, and since most of us were already experienced Call of Duty players, we swapped all sorts of Call of Duty stories and tips... Like the best way to remotely stalk and drone an enemy… Or the best waterboarding techniques (which might come in handy if we bagged any living Russians)… And, of course, we discussed where all the hot Ukrainian soldier chicks might be hiding as we had yet to see any around camp (just big old Babushka types)…
We were all happy to finally be playing Call of Duty in a relatively European and relatively civilized country like Ukraine instead of the you-know-what-hole countries that NATO always sent us to! Let me tell you, playing the game in Afghanistan, where all the chicks dressed like Darth Vader, was no fun (except for the guys who were into the Bacha Boys - they enjoyed it there). Iraq was not much better as it was too dangerous for us to go off base to get laid. And since officially, there were no USA or NATO ground troops in Libya or Syria, we had no hope of banging any local chicks there (even if they were bangable). But Ukraine could be fun as the place was always known for its hot chicks – if only we could find them…
However, our training did begin with a quick orientation video featuring one hot Ukrainian chick – the kind of chick we had come to meet in person. This chick was a member of the Ukrainian parliament, and she started her speech to us by saying:
“Thank you for joining us, and welcome to Ukraine! Right now is a critical time because we know that we not only fight for Ukraine. We fight for this new world order…”
I don’t know anything about fighting for any “new world order.” I and everyone in that room were there for the same reasons: To bag some Ruskies and bang some hot Ukrainian soldier chicks like her! I don’t even remember the rest of what she said…
After her spiel, it was time for our Ukrainian training instructor to introduce himself:
“Welcome to Ukraine! My name is Adolfsky. I will be your orientation training instructor. I will teach you most important skill. All Ukrainian soldiers must learn this skill. It is how we tell Ukrainians apart from Russian enemies. We call it Ukrainian goosestep!”
Let me tell you something: Basic US Army training was a cakewalk compared to this Ukrainian goosestep training! We had to keep goosestepping over and over again until we had it down perfectly to avoid "friendly fire incidents" when in the field. My legs were sore, and I was utterly exhausted!
After dinner, I went straight back to my room to rest. I was on my phone uploading all my goosestepping selfies and pictures with other Reddit battalion members (plus responding to all the likes and comments) when I heard a knock at my door. I got up and opened it to find this Babushka-type woman standing there. Remembering what I was told earlier, I assumed she was hmmm… the commander in charge of supplying the hot Ukrainian chicks I was promised. After all, she looked hmmm… battle-hardened. I even discretely snapped this picture of her while she stood in the doorway:
“Hello my dear American Chad,” the Babushka greeted me with a broad grin. “My name is Zelenskyova. I will be your companion tonight!”
“Hmmm…” I said with a confused look on my face. “My what?!!!”
“Your companion!” The Babushka answered with an even bigger grin. “All foreign mercenaries are entitled to one free Ukrainian companion per night per our contract terms. Tonight, I am all yours!”
Now, let me be clear: I don’t have anything against hmmm… let’s politely call them the BIGGER chicks. The BIG chicks are always the easiest chicks to bang back home when you feel lazy or don’t want to jerk off alone while watching Pornhub. And as far as older women are concerned, there are appropriate times to
bang date them – usually when you are a little short on gas money. But I did not come all the way to Ukraine to bang any Babushka types. I was also tired and sore from all the Ukrainian goosestep training.
“I am sorry,” I politely said to her. “There must be some hmmm… mistake!”
“There is no mistake my dear American Chad!” The Babushka answered with a cheeky smile. “America and Ukraine will become ONE tonight, and every night you are here! That is what was agreed to!”
“Hmmm, I did not…hmmm… agree to or sign up for this type of companionship!” I stammered.
“Oh, my dear American Chad,” she replied with a smile. “You did! It was in the contract you signed!”
“But hmmm… the contract was written in Ukrainian! I did not read or understand any of the contract terms!”
“Oh, you naïve American Chad, what did you think you would get here in Ukraine? Do you not find a typical Ukrainian woman like me to be attractive?” The Babushka stopped smiling. “Maybe you would prefer to spend the night with someone named Igor instead! I can arrange that!”
The next thing I knew, and before I could react, this Babushka slammed the door shut behind her and had dragged me onto the bed! She was on top of me and pinned me down so I could not escape - let alone breathe! Then she… hmmm… she… she...
When we or rather Zelenskyova was hmmm… finished with me, she told me she would be back the next night for more “companionship” and that I “better be ready to accept her entry…” If not, she would tell Adolfsky I was a “Putin stooge and a Russian spy.” She also added ominously, “If you think American cancel culture is bad, wait until you find out what we do with captured Russians, Putin stooges, and Russian spies!”
I was now more scared, sore, and banged up than I had ever been playing Call of Duty in Iraq or Afghanistan! This was clearly NOT what I had signed up for!
I went straight to Adolfsky in the morning and told him, “I think I have had enough Ukrainian goosestep training. Can you please send me to the front NOW so I can bag my share of Ruskies?”
Thank god Adolfsky was very obliging because soldiers were needed at the front. Sometime during the night after I had left, the entire training camp got destroyed by a Russian missile attack. Most of the Reddit battalion members training there were killed, and many of the survivors quickly left for Poland!
I don’t know how the Russians figured out the precise coordinates for the training camp. There was considerable suspicion they had inside information and it made the Ukrainians suspicious and paranoid that every member of the Reddit Battalion might be a Russian spy.
As for me, I was taken near Kyiv to a big oil or gas refinery and storage complex. When I arrived, I was greeted by a commander wearing the same ensign worn by the Ukrainians at the training camp.
“Welcome to Ukraine, my dear American Chad!” he said with a big smile as he greeted me with a big bear hug. “I am so glad you are here and just in time! I am commander Hermannski Göringski. Come quickly - I must show you something important…”
With a small platoon of Ukrainian soldiers, he led me to a meadow beyond which the forest started. “My dear American Chad, this place is called Burisma.” He pointed towards the complex. “It must be defended at all costs. Burisma is key to protecting Ukraine from harm. If Burisma falls to Russians, there will be BAD consequences for Ukraine and Ukraine leaders! You, my dear American Chad, must be hero! You must lead counterattack to drive Russians from this place!”