COVID SPRING: Felicia, Suburban Teenager

Excerpt from "COVIDsteria: An Oral History of America's Great Reset" - see https://covidsteria.substack.com/p/covidsteria-table-of-contents

The fate of many American suburbs during the COVIDsteria years was mixed. Some suburbs were devastated by the Great Die-Off if most residents had gotten vaccinated. Others were subsequently hit harder by the purges or the chaos of COVID Spring. And some suburbs, like those surrounding many Northeast coastal corridor cities from Washington DC to Boston, lost almost their entire populations.

The fate of Felicia’s suburb was typical for most suburbs elsewhere in the country. It lost residents during all three phases of the COVIDsteria years, but life has largely moved on from those years. I met Felicia at the local coffee shop during her summer break from university. Although it was never clear to me what, if anything, she was studying...

Behind the white picket fences and carefully manicured lawns, neighborhoods always hold secrets. There were desperate housewives, secret affairs, love triangles, personal grudges, little napoleons, vindictive Karens, sex-starved divorcees, and the like. And my neighborhood was never different from the rest! [She smirks.]

How did the COVIDsteria pandemic impact your neighborhood?

The media kept telling us that COVIDsteria was like an airborne Ebola and a Black Death with some Spanish flu mixed in that required a great reset to contain. The media also said there were no treatments until you needed a hospital ventilator.

But all I know is that COVIDsteria ruined my last year of high school. I never fulfilled my dream of being a cheerleader! It also turned my mother into a crazy COVIDsteria zombie Karen! [An angry look appears on her face.] 

What do you mean by that?

I mean, my mother went stark raving mad! [She sighs.]

Before COVIDsteria, my mother was just your usual desperate housewife and one of the neighborhood Karens who could never mind her own business or just live and let live. If she saw someone not following the rules of our neighborhood association, she would try to beat all the other neighborhood Karens to be the first to rat on them! [She rolls her eyes.] 

But seriously, and not long after COVIDsteria broke out, the COVIDsteria media vampires bit my Karen mother and turned her into a COVIDsteria zombie Karen! She would constantly listen to that stupid Fredo Ratto and his Ostrich News Network (ONN) drone on and on about death counts and the like. It was as if my Karen mother had become his bride! And she was possessed by him and his network in particular! [She shakes her head.]

How did this impact your family life?

My COVIDsteria zombie Karen mother, like, started driving us all nuts! [She sighs.]

Anything that the COVIDsteria media vampires or the government told her to believe and do, she did it! Hoard toilet paper, she did it! Wear one face diaper, then two face diapers, and then three face diapers, she did it! Yell at or shame family members, strangers in the store, or on the street for not wearing all the required face diapers properly, she did it! Wear gloves, a face shield, and then an astronaut suit, she did it! Stay home and force her family to stay cooped up with her living in fear of some stupid Chinese Kung Flu, she did it!

Even worst for us, my COVIDsteria zombie Karen mother did not want our Mexican housekeeper and gardener to come around anymore. She believed it when the media said there was rampant COVIDsteria in all the Mexican neighborhoods, and they were all dropping like flies. However, she did not have the common decency to tell both our gardener and housekeeper directly! Instead, she would avoid their calls and SMSs or claim she was having problems with her mobile reception or wi-fi and had not gotten their messages.

And our house got real dirty! But it was not like our mother was ever the kind of housewife that did actual housework! And my brother and I sure as hell were not going to take care of the yard or do any chores around the house! [She shakes her head again and frowns.]

What angered me the most, though, was how my COVIDsteria zombie Karen mother started turning my little brother into a COVIDsteria agoraphobic zombie. He started having panic attacks when he went outside around other people. So he began to withdraw socially and stay in his bedroom more and more, playing video games alone. But to my possessed COVIDsteria zombie Karen mother, this was a sign of her "good" COVID parenting! [She frowns angrily.]

What did your father have to say about all of this?

My dad? He was too busy trying to find every excuse to get out of the house and away from my COVIDsteria zombie Karen mother by not working from home – especially after he hired an attractive secretary who was just a few years older than me! [She rolls her eyes and frowns.] 

Thank god my parents only pretended to be woke in public or would mouth the correct answers when asked. Privately, they never gave a damn about race or gender issues. My dad has always been a workaholic and driven to make money, and my COVIDsteria zombie Karen mother was driven to spend it! [She frowns again] 

On the other hand, kids of woke zombie parents who were also COVIDsteria zombie Karens had it extra bad in my upper-income neighborhood. They could never satisfy their woke COVIDsteria zombie Karen parents! [She shakes her head.]

How did you and other people your age feel about the COVIDsteria anal swabbing mandate issued by the new Administration? 

While biology and science classes were never my thing, I did have a class in health and sex-ed once where all sorts of anal swabbing got covered! [She rolls her eyes.]

I mean, like, why would you be swabbing down there to look for a Chinese Kung Flu virus that caused bad coughs and drove people like my mother insane? The mandate only seemed to make sense to anyone woke or COVIDsteria zombie Karens like my mother!