BREAD&CIRCUSES: Obamacus’ Final State of the Empire Address (Chapter 2)
BREAD&CIRCUSES: Obamacus’ Final State of the Empire Address (Chapter 2)
Rome's reset continues as Emperor Obamacus gives the eunuch Mediaeus, Rome's greatest political chronicler, a seat of honor to record his final state of the Empire address before Senator McConnellius!
Our normal weekly Bread & Circuses weekly humor roundup will publish in a few minutes… Also, Substack now automatically creates a table of contents for posts on one side of some browsers. If not, I have added the one automatically generated to our great reset meme index page itself to make it easier to scroll through to find memes by themes etc:
On a golden throne inside the Imperial box at the Coliseum sat Emperor Obamacus Magnanimitas Africanus with one leg gently crossed over the other and his toga perfectly creased…
The Emperor was a tall lanky man with a sharp face and an unusually dark complexion for a Roman. As he calmly sat, his face bore no expression and he made no sound in sharp contrast to the crowd of spectators who were loud and animated with wine and bread in their hands.
At the opposite end of the Coliseum from the Imperial box, a gate slowly opened. A group of Christians denoted by the crosses dangling from their necks and flanked by Praetorian Guardsmen wielding swords slowly marched into the center of the Coliseum…
As the crowd hissed and booed as they entered, a smile appeared on Obamacus’s face.
When the Christians reached the center of the Coliseum, the Praetorian Guard soldiers ordered them to stop, turn towards the Imperial box, and prostrate themselves towards the emperor. The Christians stopped to look up at the crowd jeering them from all around and then looked at each other. But instead of doing what the Praetorian Guard asked them to do, they knelt on the ground in a circle facing each other, clasped their hands in prayer, and looked up towards the sky in unison. Their mouths slowly moved, but nobody could hear what they were saying as the crowd grew louder and began shouting angry insults. Obamacus shifted uncomfortably on his golden throne and frowned. The Praetorian Guard soldiers shook their heads and marched out. Sensing they were being ignored, the boisterous crowd grew angrier. They began pelting the Christians with pieces of hard stale bread that had fallen under the benches where they sat.
Finally, trumpets began to blare and four smaller gates around the edge of the Coliseum opened...
Out ran four huge lions. The crowd started to cheer and a smile appeared again on Obamacus’s face.
“Eat them! Eat them!” the crowd yelled.
However, the noise had the lions briskly walking around in circles along the Coliseum’s edge and looking warily at the crowd. Too distracted by the crowd's commotion, the lions scarcely noticed the Christians looking up at the sky and huddled in prayer at its center. Obamacus began to frown again and shift uncomfortably on his golden throne. The restless crowd now started pelting the lions with pieces of stale bread to try and scare them into attacking the Christians.
Finally, someone picked up a piece of brick and hurled it at one of the lions – hitting him on his mane. The lion reeled back and spotted one of the praying Christians. Thinking the Christian had thrown the object, the lion leaped on the man, grabbing him by the neck and severing his head clean off from the rest of the body. The lion then dragged the lifeless body away leaving the severed head resting near the remaining Christians. The crowd roared with approval. The Christians, now splattered in blood, continued to calmly look towards the sky and pray without so much as noticing the brutal killing of one of their brethren.
As Obamacus began to relax again and nod approvingly, a young man bearing the emblem of the Imperial Senate was escorted into the Imperial box by a Praetorian Guardsman. The man threw himself before the Emperor and waited to be noticed and addressed.
“Yes, what do you deign to tell me?” asked Obamacus.
“Senator McConnellius deigns to remind your Imperial Majesty that the entire Imperial Senate is awaiting the honor of your presence and for you to give your final State of the Empire address.”
“Ohhh…” Obamacus sighed and frowned. “Yes, the State of the Empire address. I forgot that was tonight.” He glanced back towards the Christians still huddled in prayer. By now, all the lions had laid down on the Coliseum floor with their backs turned towards the Christians and facing the crowd. The lion who had killed the Christian was disinterested in eating the lifeless body.
“And these lions don’t appear hungry tonight," Obamacus said while shaking his head. "Tell Senator McConnellius I am on my way to the Imperial Senate and will grace their presence shortly.”
“Yes, your Imperial Majesty.”
Obamacus motioned to another attendant.
“The lions don’t appear hungry tonight. Have the Christians taken back to their dungeons and find some hungrier lions to finish them off tomorrow night. I want a better spectacle.”
“Yes, your Imperial Majesty.”
Obamacus rose from his golden throne to walk down the red-carpeted stairs toward the special imperial entry into the Coliseum. There, a golden chariot pulled by four black horses awaited him.
“To the Imperial Senate,” he said to the burly bare-chested charioteer.
The golden chariot began moving through the streets of Rome ahead of Praetorian Guardsmen on horseback using whips to clear the crowded streets of pedestrians.
“Plebs and slaves, make way for his Imperial Majesty! Make way!” they shouted at the top of their voices as they hit anyone who did not move fast enough.
As the Golden Chariot made its way through the streets, some (those wearing the more ragged clothes) threw themselves on the ground as it was about to go by with their hands stretched out. As the chariot passed, Obamacus reached into a large purse to throw a silver coin or two in their direction.
However, everyone else on the streets continued about their business with complete indifference to Obamacus as he passed by. This did not go unnoticed by the Emperor and by the time the procession reached the red-carpeted stairs outside Imperial Senate, he was frowning again...
The Imperial Senate chamber doors flung open as trumpets blared. A hushed silence suddenly fell upon the chamber.
"Hail Obamacus!" the Imperial Senate parliamentarian yelled.
Obamacus appeared at the door and stood there for a second as the entire Imperial Senate erupted into cheers of "Hail Obamacus!" in unison.
As Obamacus entered the chamber, a fattish man of less than average height with a round face, bright white teeth, and a nearly bald head enthusiastically pushed his way forward to have the honor of being the first to prostrate before the emperor…
"Hail Obamacus!"
The fattish man threw himself completely on the floor. He slowly kissed each foot of Obamacus after briefly pausing to take in their scent.
"My dear Mediaeus!” said Obamacus as he lovingly patted the fattish man's mostly bald head. “Rome's greatest still living political chronicler and always one of its most reliable sources!"
"Your Imperial Majesty, it’s always an honor to be in the presence of Rome's greatest emperor and to be recognized by you for my work! Oh, how I remember those long sessions we had together in the Imperial Senate bathhouse when you were serving as our greatest Imperial Senator!"
"Oh, yes!" Obamacus laughed as he tenderly stroked Mediaeus's bald head. "I remember those steamy bathhouse sessions rather fondly! We would lose track of time and Michaela would have to send one of her slaves to remind me it was time to go home for one of her dinner parties! You must come to Capri after the new bathhouse for my retirement pleasure palace is completed and help me write my memoirs!”
“To help Rome’s greatest emperor write his memoirs would be the greatest honor that could ever be bestowed upon me!” Tears began to roll down Mediaeus' face.
“Yes, I know it is! Now follow me and my slave boy Publicas here will ensure you have a seat of honor in the front row to hear and record every historic word in my final State of the Empire address!"
"Oh, your Imperial Majesty, thank you! Thank you! It’s such an honor to chronicle this historic occasion! And I can’t wait to join you in your new bathhouse in Capri!"
Obamacus moved on…