WARNING SIGNS: Ann Lamia, Former Anti-Swabbing Activist & Author of “Swabholes: How the Left is Swabbing America!”

Excerpt from "COVIDsteria: An Oral History of America's Great Reset" - see https://covidsteria.substack.com/p/covidsteria-table-of-contents (NOTE: This post may be to long for some email providers)

Unlike nearly all members of the leftwing punditry class, many so-called conservative pundits and anti-swabbing activists had survived the Great Die-Off - only to be hunted down and perish during the purges. But since the Great Reset of the new Administration, surviving pundits, authors, and activists have struggled to earn a living or find relevance as they have nothing to talk, complain, or write about or raise money off of anymore.

Ann Lamia is no exception. I visited Florida to interview Ann under the shade of the carport of her non-doublewide trailer. We had a lengthy conversation about her days as a conservative pundit and an anti-swabbing activist...

I am not one of those Phyllis Schlafly or church lady types of conservative activists from the 20th century. I am a 21st century Florida girl, born and bred! [She crosses her long legs and tosses her blond hair back.]

I also was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I had to work my ass off to pay for my education and my law degree! 

After law school, I moved to Washington DC to work for a member of the Senate Judiciary Committee who represented the so-called conservative faction of the Uniparty that ran the country. ¹ It was there that I saw how the legislative sausage got made, and I did not like what I saw! ² ³

I ended up joining a public interest law firm, became an activist, and started writing punditry. Being a Florida girl and an activist Inside the Beltway, what amazed me the most was how out of touch with reality everyone in Washington DC was!

When Team Sciencey came to power and issued their absurd anal swabbing for COVIDsteria mandates, I knew that would be the next big wedge issue facing the country. I also recognized the enormous fundraising and book-writing potential that opposing anal swabbing offered for professional activists and pundits like me! So I immediately formed Americans Against Anal Swabbing and wrote my best-selling book, Swabholes: How the Left is Swabbing America!. [She smiles.]

You did not need to be a scientist, medical doctor, or genius to ask why the hell the American government was looking for a virus that causes respiratory problems or triggers complete mental breakdowns, psychosis, or severe cognitive dissonance, by anal swabbing Americans! It was utterly ridiculous and even more ludicrous than their stupid one, then two, and then three face diaper mandates!

The government still tried to argue that anal swabbing was science! You just needed to “trust Science" or trust our own Dr. Frankenstein aka Dr. Sickle! Ok fine. Where the hell was all the scientific studies before COVIDsteria hit proving anal swabbing can detect a respiratory virus or the antibodies for one?

And why were they using a special sickle-shaped swab to swab for COVIDsteria? I was the only person asking whether that might be more than just a coincidence. But just speculating that Dr. Sickle might own patents on anal swabs got me labeled a conspiracy, I mean, a coincidence theorist! [She rolls her eyes.]

“Oh, but China is doing it!” they would then claim. “And look at how far ahead China is? They have bullet trains and clean green energy!” Why must we always try to be like China and do whatever China is doing? China puts its minority Muslim and Tibetan populations into concentration camps and gulags. Should we put our minority populations into concentration camps and gulags as well?

Then they would say, “What difference does it make? The TSA gropes and practically gives everyone an anal examination before a flight as it is. You might as well bend over to have them anal swab you as well!” [She rolls her eyes again.]

Whenever I heard that stupid justification, I would always ask, “What happens when Guido, the Touching Sensitive Areas or TSA agent, is having a bad day because wifey or the girlfriend has not been giving him any love lately? He then decides to take it out on you by shoving that swab in extra hard or deep!”

And they were not small swabs either! The swabs the government insisted on using were 3- to 4-inch-long sickles! They made you walk like a penguin afterward! Who wanted to be swabbed by Guido, the Touching Sensitive Areas agent who was in a bad mood from not getting any love, and then have to sit several hours on a plane for a cross-country flight? [She tosses her blond hair back.]

The worst people I dealt with in my activism against anal swabbing were my fellow conservatives and anti-swabbers. They kept saying, “Trust the plan!” over and over again. “Just trust the plan!” they would all say! 

And I kept warning them over and over again that there was no grand master plan to oppose anal swabbing coming from the so-called conservative faction of the Uniparty in Washington. I also warned them they should not trust the courts to save their asses from being swabbed either!  

And as the fight against swabbing dragged on, my fellow conservatives and anti-swabbers continued to insist on saying things like, “Who cares about that Ninth Circus Court ruling upholding the Administration’s anal swabbing mandates when we have the Supreme Court!”

“And what good has the Supreme Court ever done for conservatives?” I would reply. “They always ‘lack standing’ when they do not want to get involved in a hot button issue like abortion or any type of election controversies! Or they just kick the case right back down to a lower court to decide! Or they allow the lower court ruling to stand!”

But I had known the moment when Congress buried an authorizing statute for anal swabbing in an expanded Affordable Care Act that somehow the Chief Justice would find a way to make constitutional whatever anal swabbing mandate Team Sciencey ultimately decided. All the Chief Justice had to do was say any anal swabbing mandate was a tax in the Constitution somewhere if you just look hard enough to see it! And that was what the Chief Justice did! Yet my fellow conservatives and anti-swabbers never saw that Supreme Court ruling of his coming! [She rolls her eyes and tosses her blond hair back.]

I had also warned all my fellow conservatives and anti-swabbers not to trust or expect the Senate to lift a finger to stop Team Sciencey from anal swabbing everyone! I even predicted from the very beginning that the Senate would do everything in its power to make sure anal swabbing became and stayed the law of the land. 

And sure enough, what happened? A Senate leader from the so-called conservative faction of the Uniparty quickly gave a speech right after that Supreme Court ruling to declare, “Mandatory anal swabbing testing for COVIDsteria is no longer a political debate. It is what we call the law. The Supreme Court upheld it. All Americans need to accept having to bend over and get swabbed for the good of the country. It is now time for the Senate to move on to more important political debates, like more tax cuts for the American people!” [She rolls her eyes again.]

Now let me sum up how the United States Senate worked and had worked for the past couple of decades. It was especially true if the so-called conservative faction of the Uniparty in Washington DC was in charge, or a few seats shy of being in charge, and they had a hot button issue to deal with or try to bury. It was surrender, then put on a kabuki theater play by having a big phony pillow or a play fight... ⁴

In other words, they always did what the French military had long perfected into an art form, and that was to surrender and secretly collaborate with the enemy as quickly as possible. Then they would have a big kabuki theater play fight where they would appear to be outraged to fool their flyover country voters. 

The so-called conservative faction of the Uniparty in the Senate called this “governing” and how we overcome legislative gridlock to “get things done and show we can govern.” Sure, governing always meant surrendering and collaborating as quickly as possible with the enemy to sell out their voters to the damn Swamp! [She tosses her blond hair back.] 

Let me explain in more detail how the surrender and kabuki theater play fights used to work. They were always in the form of a shell game where you had to follow the shell closely, or you might lose track of where the so-called conservative faction had hidden the pea. Or in this particular case, where they hid the anal swab as they further concealed it by stuffing kinky authorizing statutes into a much bigger bill that expanded the Affordable Care Act to cover COVIDsteria better:  

• Act One: The Swamp or the Uniparty wanted to do something awful, like anal swab the American people. The so-called conservative faction immediately decides to let them do it while appearing to oppose it. Why would they do that? Maybe they secretly agreed that the American people needed anal swabbing every time they wanted to fly or enter a federal building! Or they do not want to deal with reporters in the national media, like that stupid psycho Fredo Ratto, who would always find a way to call them racist, homophobic, or say they wanted to kill grandma or all so-called marginalized peoples! Or maybe they did not want to be blamed for the so-called “partisan gridlock” in Washington! Or they thought they could pull off one of their enabling while rhetorically opposing kind of scams! Or maybe some donors were making anal swabs! Or the K Street crowd had clients making anal swabs! Or because the authorizing statute for anal swabbing was buried so deep inside the ass of a much bigger bill to expand the Affordable Care Act to cover COVIDsteria expenses that most Senators never saw it because they never bothered to read it! At this point, what difference does it make?!! [She scowls and tosses her blond hair back.]

• Act Two: The so-called conservative faction deployed their usual legislative template maneuvers for a French military-style surrender and collaboration with the enemy to eagerly move on to the kabuki theater phase where they had a phony play fight for their voters. To make a long legislative story short, what the so-called conservative faction did was engineer kinky authorizing statutes hidden within a bill to expand the Affordable Care Act to cover COVIDsteria expenses. The kinky authorizing statutes permitted Team Sciencey to write and enact whatever the hell anal swabbing mandates they felt necessary.

  But, being their usual sneaky selves, the so-called conservative faction attached a “process” to the kinky authorizing statutes with two conditions: 1) Team Sciencey had to undertake certain measures to propose a specific anal swabbing mandate. 2) The so-called conservative faction in Congress had to be allowed a vote to “disapprove” of any specific proposed anal swabbing mandate. But they had already given a blank check for Team Sciencey to write any anal swabbing mandate they wanted thanks to the kinky authorizing statutes hidden in the ass of the much bigger bill already passed. It was all kabuki theater because the so-called conservative faction knew full well that the President would have vetoed any “disapproval” resolution and a one-third-plus-one vote in either chamber stopped a veto override dead in its tracks. [She scowls again.]

To review this Act One and Act Two kabuki theater play: The kinky authorizing statutes buried in the ass of a much bigger bill that most members of Congress never bothered to read was what turned anal swabbing into law. They effectively gave Team Sciencey a blank check to write any anal swabbing mandate or rules they wanted. [She tosses her blond hair back.]