Tales From the Great Reset: I Went to the Ukraine to Play Call of Duty and Get Laid, But Got Banged Up Abroad Instead
American Chad, a veteran of General Milley’s woke army, joined a Reddit battalion to fight in Ukraine & get laid; but he got more than he bargained for. This is his story of getting banged up abroad.
I was US Army and played Call of Duty in Afghanistan and Iraq. But when those wars ended, the Army got a little boring. How many understanding white rage and white privilege training sessions can a straight white male endure when he rather be out shooting and blowing things up? That’s what I had signed up to do. If I wanted to understand white rage or examine my white privilege, I would have attended a university!
When it was finally time to re-up under the new Administration, I got told the entire military was undergoing a Great Reset. The Army would be downsizing significantly and I need not apply - unless I planned to transition to another gender as that Admiral did.
Until I figured things out, I went back to my hometown to do security for a while, as there was no shortage of those sorts of jobs now. What I quickly figured out was that I was bored again. After being in the US Army, I wanted another job where I could go to foreign countries to shoot and blow things up - maybe I needed to join Blackwater or something.
That’s when I started following Putin’s buildup around and then the invasion of Ukraine on social media and Reddit threads. Everyone, whether in the media or on social media/Reddit, was saying how bad the Ruskies were at fighting and how they were getting their asses kicked!
Then I heard the Ukrainians had formed a
foreign legion Reddit battalion and were looking for volunteers to play Call of Duty against the Russians. I started reading all the Reddit “how to” threads of those who had already gone over there to play.
I remember in particular two guys (ex-US Army) whose user names or handles were “Kyiv Bob” and “The Russian Slayer.” They were constantly bragging about and posting selfies with their Russian kills. They even claimed they were bagging so many Russians in the field, and banging so many hot Ukrainian soldier chicks when they got back to base at night, that they had lost count of them all! They said if we didn’t get our asses over to Ukraine, hunting season for Russians would be ending soon and all the hot soldier chicks would be already taken by the early birds!
I decided then and there to get my ass over there to bag Russians and bang hot Ukrainian soldier chicks! I was (after all) an experienced Call of Duty player from the US Army where the game was always played like this:
First, there was a massive night-long shock-and-awe attack by bombers and missiles launched from hundreds of miles away that destroyed EVERYTHING standing as in BOOM! BOOM! KABOOM!
Unless, of course, there is a more precise target that is hiding among valuable oil wells that can’t be damaged. In those cases, the drones got sent in to hunt down, corner, and then BANG! They shoot the target remotely - like you shoot deer. Or when they wanted to leave no evidence or trace, the drone would go Kamakazi and blow the person up into a million tiny pieces as in BAMM! and SPLATTER!
After breakfast, the real fun would begin as that’s when us infantry guys got to play Rambo and do all the mopping up. IF we made contact with the enemy (or if we found anything to be left standing from the shock-and-awe campaign), it was more BOOM! BOOM! KABOOM! We would radio for more precision bomber, fighter, drone, missile, and artillery strikes to blast it to smithereens! Then we would blast away with our guns anything left alive and still moving, as in BANG! BANG! BANG! It was always hard work as we were loaded down with dozens of magazines of ammo (with resupply via the air throughout the day as we ran out from shooting at everything in sight…).
If we got lucky, we might capture a living enemy, or someone who might be an enemy, to take back to base for some fun called waterboarding as in DRIP! DRIP! DROWN!
We were usually back to base camp and done waterboarding any prisoners before sundown and in the chow line before the apple pies were all gone!
Since the Ukrainians were trained and supplied by NATO, and everyone in the media/social media/Reddit was saying how the Russians were getting their buts kicked and surrendering themselves and their equipment without a fight, how much different could it be to play Call of Duty there against the Ruskies?
I could go to Ukraine, bag my share of Russians, bang some hot Ukrainian soldier chicks, and become a social media sensation with pictures, selfies, and tales of my daring combat exploits - just like “Kyiv Bob” and “The Russian Slayer” were doing!
The online application to join the Ukrainian foreign legion was even simpler than my application to join McDonald’s before I was in the army. In fact, it asked fewer questions than getting a Reddit or Twitter account these days! All I was asked for was my name, proof that I had received a COVID vaccine plus booster, and if I had any military experience.
It only took a few hours to receive an email saying I was accepted! All I needed to do was fly at my own expense with my own kit (fatigues, body armor, and the like but minus any weapons, of course) to the nearby NATO country of Poland. They would get me over the border from there (for free), and then I would sign the formal contract.
Within days of buying a new kit, I flew straight to Poland where I was met at the airport by a young but non-uniformed guy holding a sign that said “American Chad.” Without stopping even for a bathroom or Starbucks break, I got driven straight to the Ukraine border. There he handed me over to some big burly guys with arm patches containing a strange-looking insignia that I had never seen before:
When I got to the training camp outside a big Ukrainian city near the Polish border, I was handed a piece of paper written in Ukrainian and told to sign at the bottom. However, I told them, “But I can't read what it says?”
“What difference does it make?” a burly Ukrainian wearing the strange ensign replied. “It’s what you American Chads call the ‘fine print.’ Do you always read the ‘fine print?’ It's just legal mumbo-jumbo. We do not want lawsuits. Just sign so we can start your Ukrainian orientation training…”
He did have a point. I mean, what difference does it make? Who reads all the "fine print" paperwork when signing up for a credit card, taking out a car loan, or filling out an online form? Besides, the Ukrainians looked just like me and thus could be trusted not to dupe me. They did not look like the sort of people who can't be trusted, and therefore are allowed to be bombed or become refugees.
After I signed the paper, I asked where to find the hot soldier chicks I was promised on the Reddit threads. “Don’t worry my dear American Chad!” One of the Ukrainians replied. “Our hottest and most experienced soldier chick will be finding you later!” Then he winked… That was a relief as I wasn’t seeing any hot ones when I was briefly checked Tinder on the way to the camp…
I was now free to look around the camp and meet my fellow Reddit battalion members. They mostly turned out to be just like me as they were young foreigners from all over the world, but mainly from NATO countries like the USA, UK, Canada, and Europe. Although some of my fellow Reddit battalion members seemed like they were hmmm… on something or maybe a little off (to put it politely) and a bit unruly…
Nevertheless, and since most of us were already experienced Call of Duty players, we swapped all sorts of Call of Duty stories and tips... Like the best way to remotely stalk and drone an enemy… Or the best waterboarding techniques (which might come in handy if we bagged any living Russians)… And, of course, we discussed where all the hot Ukrainian soldier chicks might be hiding as we had yet to see any around camp (just big old Babushka types)…
We were all happy to finally be playing Call of Duty in a relatively European and relatively civilized country like Ukraine instead of the you-know-what-hole countries that NATO always sent us to! Let me tell you, playing the game in Afghanistan, where all the chicks dressed like Darth Vader, was no fun (except for the guys who were into the Bacha Boys - they enjoyed it there). Iraq was not much better as it was too dangerous for us to go off base to get laid. And since officially, there were no USA or NATO ground troops in Libya or Syria, we had no hope of banging any local chicks there (even if they were bangable). But Ukraine could be fun as the place was always known for its hot chicks – if only we could find them…
However, our training did begin with a quick orientation video featuring one hot Ukrainian chick – the kind of chick we had come to meet in person. This chick was a member of the Ukrainian parliament, and she started her speech to us by saying:
“Thank you for joining us, and welcome to Ukraine! Right now is a critical time because we know that we not only fight for Ukraine. We fight for this new world order…”
I don’t know anything about fighting for any “new world order.” I and everyone in that room were there for the same reasons: To bag some Ruskies and bang some hot Ukrainian soldier chicks like her! I don’t even remember the rest of what she said…
After her spiel, it was time for our Ukrainian training instructor to introduce himself:
“Welcome to Ukraine! My name is Adolfsky. I will be your orientation training instructor. I will teach you most important skill. All Ukrainian soldiers must learn this skill. It is how we tell Ukrainians apart from Russian enemies. We call it Ukrainian goosestep!”
Let me tell you something: Basic US Army training was a cakewalk compared to this Ukrainian goosestep training! We had to keep goosestepping over and over again until we had it down perfectly to avoid "friendly fire incidents" when in the field. My legs were sore, and I was utterly exhausted!
After dinner, I went straight back to my room to rest. I was on my phone uploading all my goosestepping selfies and pictures with other Reddit battalion members (plus responding to all the likes and comments) when I heard a knock at my door. I got up and opened it to find this Babushka-type woman standing there. Remembering what I was told earlier, I assumed she was hmmm… the commander in charge of supplying the hot Ukrainian chicks I was promised. After all, she looked hmmm… battle-hardened. I even discretely snapped this picture of her while she stood in the doorway:
“Hello my dear American Chad,” the Babushka greeted me with a broad grin. “My name is Zelenskyova. I will be your companion tonight!”
“Hmmm…” I said with a confused look on my face. “My what?!!!”
“Your companion!” The Babushka answered with an even bigger grin. “All foreign mercenaries are entitled to one free Ukrainian companion per night per our contract terms. Tonight, I am all yours!”
Now, let me be clear: I don’t have anything against hmmm… let’s politely call them the BIGGER chicks. The BIG chicks are always the easiest chicks to bang back home when you feel lazy or don’t want to jerk off alone while watching Pornhub. And as far as older women are concerned, there are appropriate times to
bang date them – usually when you are a little short on gas money. But I did not come all the way to Ukraine to bang any Babushka types. I was also tired and sore from all the Ukrainian goosestep training.
“I am sorry,” I politely said to her. “There must be some hmmm… mistake!”
“There is no mistake my dear American Chad!” The Babushka answered with a cheeky smile. “America and Ukraine will become ONE tonight, and every night you are here! That is what was agreed to!”
“Hmmm, I did not…hmmm… agree to or sign up for this type of companionship!” I stammered.
“Oh, my dear American Chad,” she replied with a smile. “You did! It was in the contract you signed!”
“But hmmm… the contract was written in Ukrainian! I did not read or understand any of the contract terms!”
“Oh, you naïve American Chad, what did you think you would get here in Ukraine? Do you not find a typical Ukrainian woman like me to be attractive?” The Babushka stopped smiling. “Maybe you would prefer to spend the night with someone named Igor instead! I can arrange that!”
The next thing I knew, and before I could react, this Babushka slammed the door shut behind her and had dragged me onto the bed! She was on top of me and pinned me down so I could not escape - let alone breathe! Then she… hmmm… she… she...
When we or rather Zelenskyova was hmmm… finished with me, she told me she would be back the next night for more “companionship” and that I “better be ready to accept her entry…” If not, she would tell Adolfsky I was a “Putin stooge and a Russian spy.” She also added ominously, “If you think American cancel culture is bad, wait until you find out what we do with captured Russians, Putin stooges, and Russian spies!”
I was now more scared, sore, and banged up than I had ever been playing Call of Duty in Iraq or Afghanistan! This was clearly NOT what I had signed up for!
I went straight to Adolfsky in the morning and told him, “I think I have had enough Ukrainian goosestep training. Can you please send me to the front NOW so I can bag my share of Ruskies?”
Thank god Adolfsky was very obliging because soldiers were needed at the front. Sometime during the night after I had left, the entire training camp got destroyed by a Russian missile attack. Most of the Reddit battalion members training there were killed, and many of the survivors quickly left for Poland!
I don’t know how the Russians figured out the precise coordinates for the training camp. There was considerable suspicion they had inside information and it made the Ukrainians suspicious and paranoid that every member of the Reddit Battalion might be a Russian spy.
As for me, I was taken near Kyiv to a big oil or gas refinery and storage complex. When I arrived, I was greeted by a commander wearing the same ensign worn by the Ukrainians at the training camp.
“Welcome to Ukraine, my dear American Chad!” he said with a big smile as he greeted me with a big bear hug. “I am so glad you are here and just in time! I am commander Hermannski Göringski. Come quickly - I must show you something important…”
With a small platoon of Ukrainian soldiers, he led me to a meadow beyond which the forest started. “My dear American Chad, this place is called Burisma.” He pointed towards the complex. “It must be defended at all costs. Burisma is key to protecting Ukraine from harm. If Burisma falls to Russians, there will be BAD consequences for Ukraine and Ukraine leaders! You, my dear American Chad, must be hero! You must lead counterattack to drive Russians from this place!”
“Great!” I said. “I can’t wait to bag Ruskies! But I have not had breakfast yet. When I am done eating, let me know when the shock and awe campaign is over. Then give me my twenty magazines, and I can start blasting and bagging Ruskies!”
“Oh, you stupid American Chad!” The Ukrainian said to me in an annoyed voice while shaking his head. “That is not how we play Call of Duty in Ukraine!”
“Hmmm…” I was now confused. “That’s the only way I know how to play Call of Duty. How do you play the game in Ukraine?”
“Here is your gun, bayonet, and bullet.” He hands me what looked like a relic from World War I with a bayonet attached to it and one bullet. “The Russians are somewhere in or beyond those trees over there. Now go and lead counterattack to drive them away! We will give you our full support leading from behind!”
“But… but… but…” I stammered. “How can I counterattack when I have not had my breakfast, and they have not been softened up by a massive shock and awe campaign?!! And what can I possibly do with this old gun, a bayonet, and only one bullet?!!”
“You stupid American Chad!” He shakes his head and frowns. “You have gun, bayonet, and one bullet! All given to us by NATO! Each of my men has gun, bayonet, and one bullet! Also given to us by NATO! But I have machine gun with many bullets thanks to NATO! I can use my bullets on Russians! I can use my bullets on Ukrainians! And I can use my bullets on dear stupid American Chad! Now, no more talk! I order you to lead counterattack right now! My men will follow to give you support! And I will follow all of you to make sure my orders are carried out!”
I was scared shitless as he pointed his machine gun right at me! This was not how I had always played Call of Duty in the US Army or how I expected to play the game in Ukraine! But I had no choice as he had a machine gun with multiple bullets! I slowly started walking towards the forest with the Ukrainians following me from a safe distance, followed by Göringski with his machine gun.
I had just gotten to the forest edge when I started hearing a strange sound. At first, I could not make out what it was as it sounded like a dull humming sound. Then I realized there was a drone circling overhead, and I thought to myself, “Thank god I will now get some drone support!”
But as the sound grew louder, Göringski suddenly grew agitated and screamed to his men, “Killa Drona!” All the Ukrainians started running in all directions back towards the safety of the Burisma complex!
I decided that Russians or no Russians, the forest would be the safest place to hide from a killer drone and the Ukrainians. So that’s where I ran. But the killer drone had followed me as I ran into the forest. Not only that, when I ran to the right, I could hear the killer drone moving to the right above the canopy! And when I ran to the left, the killer drone moved to the left! Since the killer drone operator would have trouble seeing me among and under all the trees, the killer drone must have been zeroing in and following my body heat!
Finally, I changed directions for the last time and could hear the killer drone had stopped following me. Then I heard a loud explosion close by, and all of a sudden, it was eerily quiet. I was now alone and lost.
I reached for my phone to see if I could get a signal to connect to Google Maps so I could find my way out. But now I realized I had an even bigger problem. When I was running to get away from the killer drone, I must have lost my phone! I was now lost in a forest potentially full of Russians with no means of communication (or a way of posting updates on Reddit or my social media accounts), and armed with was an antique gun, a bayonet, and just one bullet!
I must have wandered around lost and alone in the forest for hours when I suddenly heard voices. Since I did not have a phone with my Google Translator or other apps, I had no way of knowing if they were speaking Ukrainian or Russian. Heck, I could not see any difference between the Ukrainians and Russians as they were all the same to me.
Then I realized they wore the same strange ensign that Adolfsky, Göringski, and the other Ukrainian soldiers I had seen wearing.
“Yooo! American Chad over here!” I yelled out to them. I then slowly stood with my arms up and waived my US passport around so they would not shoot me. They quickly came towards me with their guns and bayonets pointed at me while yelling in Ukrainian…
“Oh, I know how to do the Ukrainian goosestep!” I said. “Let me show…” But before I could put my Ukrainian goosestep training to good use, I was tackled from behind, bound, gagged, and dragged to a Humvee on a nearby road!
I was driven to a complex with a large building with big open windows and a sign at the door written in English that said "Metabiota" and "DANGER!" Below the word danger, there was a drawing of a bat. I was taken inside into a room that looked like my old high school science classroom as it was full of test tubes, microscopes, and other stuff you would expect to see in a lab.
The Ukrainians unbound, ungagged, and forced me to sit in a chair at a desk. They barely glanced at my American passport before throwing it on the ground. Then they all started yelling in Ukrainian while they took turns slapping me like I was some kind of ho or bitch!
I started yelling back, “American Chad! Geneva Convention! Ukrainian goosestep!” But they must have thought I was Russian or a Russian spy... Or maybe they knew I was American but were mad that America was not providing them with enough military aid. When I tried to get up from the chair to show them my Ukrainian goosestepping skills, they would shove me back down and bitch slap me some more!
Then one of the Ukrainians unsnapped, unzipped, and started pulling my pants and underwear off of me while another pulled out a big knife! “American Chad! American Chad!” I screamed louder as I had an inkling of what they intended to use that knife for!
I was now so scared that I started to completely soil myself!
Then all of a sudden, there was a loud explosion outside. The whole building shook, and all the windows of the room shattered. A missile had struck something nearby, and the air raid sirens were now going off. My Ukrainian tormentors quickly let go of my pants as well as me. They yelled at other in Ukrainian as they all ran to and jumped out the blown-out windows!
I quickly pulled my pants up, grabbed my passport and kit, and made my escape as more missiles started raining down on the complex! Since the Ukrainians were screaming and running away in all directions, nobody noticed or tried to stop me. I ran as fast as I could before the whole place was completely obliterated!
I soon found a road that I started to follow. I also decided to avoid any Ukrainians in uniforms with their strange insignias. As I walked down the road for what seemed like hours, I would duck into the forest when I heard any military vehicle approaching.
Finally, I grew weary, and I flagged down the next civilian car that approached. “American Chad here!” I said while I waived my American passport around.
When the car stopped, I was surprised to be greeted in perfect American English by a driver dressed in civilian clothes. He and the passengers turned out to be fellow Reddit battalion members!
“We are going to the Polish border and getting the fuck out of this shit-hole country!” the driver said.
“This place is more fucked up than Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, and Libya combined!” said one of the passengers.
“Let the Russians have it and fuck the Ukrainians and all of their lying bullshit!” said the other passenger.
They looked as tired as I was of playing Call of Duty in Ukraine. Luckily for me, they had enough space for one more person. However, they warned me: “You will have to get rid of your military kit and anything that might make the Ukrainians suspect you were a Reddit battalion member!”
“Get rid of my kit?” I asked incredulously. “But I just paid a lot of doe for the body armor and my other Code of War gear!”
“The Ukrainians are NOT letting anyone Ukrainian who is military age leave!” he replied. “They are even forcing their own transvestites to fight! And if they catch a Reddit Battalion member trying to leave, they cut up their passports and send them back to the front with no kit or weapons to be their cannon folder! Rumor is they are even shooting some as deserters!”
“Shooting them?!!!” I asked incredulously.
“Yea!” he replied. “To get across the border, my peeps say we better pretend to be transgender foreign babushkas. We already got some wigs, dresses, and makeup to wear right before we cross!”
“Disguise ourselves as transgender babushkas?!!!”
“Yea!” he said. “They are not so woke here! I guess transgendered military-aged foreigners are now too much trouble to deal with, and they will let us leave! Just get your story and pronouns straight before we hit the border!”
I could not believe what I was hearing! But if I had to play dress-up and use different pronouns to get the hell out of Ukraine, then so be it!
We drove west for what seemed like hours and hours. The Ukrainians had blown up so many of their own bridges and had defaced all of their road signs that we kept getting lost or had to go out of our way to keep heading west.
We knew when we were close to the Polish border. That was when we hit a massive traffic jam of cars filled with millennial Ukrainians and any remaining foreigners who were still trying to flee the country.
Before we got out of the car to cross the border, we quickly got into our dresses, heels, and wigs and began applying some makeup. Soon we were transformed into anything but Call of Duty players going to war.
However, it seemed like every other millennial-aged Ukrainian or foreign guy had gotten the same advice about dressing up as a transgender babushka to leave Ukraine. While we waited in the immigration line to exit Ukraine, we saw several Ukrainians ahead of us being forcibly stripped of their wigs and dresses to reveal they were actually men! They were then dragged away screaming by Ukrainian security – presumably to be sent back to the front.
I was much luckier. When I got to the immigration window, I said with a smile: “American Chad here! But I call myself Karen. My pronouns are she, her, and zem!”
The Ukrainian border official looked at me with a smirk… Then he looked at my passport… Then he looked at me again with a look of disgust! He said some in Ukrainian as he shoved the passport back towards me and motioned me to go towards the EU and get the hell out of his country!
Boy, was I relieved when I finally got to the immigration window to hand the EU border official my American passport. “Thank you!” he said after looking at it. “May I ask what your correct pronouns are?”
“Just call me American Chad!” I replied with a smile.
“Thank you, American Chad! He said. “Now, please show me proof of COVID vaccination.”
“Hmmm… proof of COVID vaccination?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied. “To enter EU country, you must have proof of COVID vaccination.”
“It’s on my phone. I am fully vaccinated with an mRNA vaccine, and I got the booster before I left the USA a few weeks ago. But I’m afraid that I lost my phone! And I don’t have my CDC card on me!”
“I am sorry, American Chad.” He handed my passport back. “You cannot enter EU. You must have proof of COVID vaccination or get vaccinated now.”
“Get vaccinated now?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied. “We have vaccine clinic set up over there.” He pointed to a nearby tent.
“If I get vaccinated again, you will let me in?”
“Yes, of course!” he said with a smile. “You American Chad will be welcome to enter EU!”
That was a relief! After all, what difference does it make if I get another mRNA shot - given what I had just gone through while playing Call of Duty in Ukraine? Sure, I was sick as a dog after the first two COVID shots, but the third shot was only half as bad. Then again, the third shot was supposedly half the dose of the first two, and this fourth shot would be a full dose.
I quickly went over to the tent, got myself another jab, and went back to the immigration window to show the EU official. “Thank you, American Chad!” He handed my passport and card back to me. “And welcome to the EU!”
Although I was soon sick as a dog from getting my fourth COVID shot, I was glad to be back in a civilized place like an EU country! I quickly contacted mom and dad to send me a copy of my previous vaccinations along with some money so I could buy a new phone. In the EU, I could not enter any business or public place without scanning a QR code or showing my vaccine passport. But mom and dad got me straightened out quickly and got me a one-way plane ticket home to America.
P.S. After I got back home, I suddenly started experiencing sharp chest pains. It felt like someone was stabbing my chest with a giant needle. My doctor told me that I had a serious case of Myocarditis – no doubt from all the stress I had suffered while playing Call of Duty and getting banged up abroad in Ukraine.
While I am slowly getting better now, I still have my share of bad days. Sometimes, my heart races, and I have trouble breathing when I am physically active. Sadly, I think my days of playing Call of Duty by going over to foreign countries to shoot and blow things up - might be over with.
P.S.S. When I went on Reddit/Social Media to tell my story of what happened to me in Ukraine, I was immediately attacked by everyone. I was branded a “Russian troll” and a “Putin stooge” before I was banned for spreading Russian disinformation.
Meanwhile, “Kyiv Bob” and “The Russian Slayer” are still bragging about all the Russians they have bagged and the hot Ukrainian soldier chicks they have banged. After surrounding and annihilating the Russian armies in Ukraine, they now claim they are marching on Moscow while banging every hot Russian chick they meet along the way.
While we are bombarded with woke propaganda buried into every story line from Hollywood to fiction literature these days, there is hardly any NON-WOKE satire (beyond the Babylon Bee etc) and/or fictional/satirical writing along the lines of George Orwell, Ayn Rand and the like. And besides, publishers won’t touch such material these days - meaning there is little monetary incentive for such writing…
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COVIDsteria: An Oral History of America’s Great Reset (Table of Contents) is a fictional satire along the lines of a Studs Terkel oral history or Max Brooks' World War Z published as a serialized book on Substack while Tales From the Great Reset is our occasional satirical short-story series:
* Updated as of June 6, 2023.
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