Paul Pelosi Attack: The "Pulp Fiction" Account (Tales From the Great Reset)
Paul Pelosi Attack: The "Pulp Fiction" Account (Tales From the Great Reset)
Democrat Cleaner Winston had his hands full trying to clean up the narrative the night Paul Pelosi got hammered. Here is the "pulp fiction" account of that faithful night of hammers in San Francisco.
Democrat Cleaner [On the phone]. “Is she the hysterical type? [Pauses]
When is she due? [Jotting down on a notepad]
Give me the principals' names again?
[Jots down] Paul...
2640 Broadway Street, San Francisco, CA…
One individual. Is a little hammered…
A second individual who is a ‘friend’… Holding a hammer… Having maniac episodes… Wearing just underwear…
Paul... David… Nancy...
Expect a call around 1:30AM. It's about thirty minutes away. I'll be there in ten.” [Hangs up]
[Rings Doorbell]
Democrat Cleaner. “You are Paul, right? This is your house?”
Paul. “It sure is!”
Democrat Cleaner. “I am Winston. I solve problems for Democrats.”
Paul. “Thank god you are here! [Look of relief] I got a big problem!” [Grim face]
Democrat Cleaner. “So I heard. May I come in?”
Paul. “Please do.”
Democrat Cleaner. “Since you are Paul, the other individual who I was told is a friend having a maniac episode, must be David. Let's get down to business. If I was informed correctly, the clock is ticking, is that right?”
Paul. “100%!” [Worried look]
Democrat Cleaner. “Your wife, Nancy... [Refers to his pad] Comes home in the morning, is that correct?”
Paul. “Uh-huh!”
Democrat Cleaner. “I was led to believe if she comes home and finds out what your problem is, she wouldn't appreciate it none too much.”
Paul. “It’s already a tough election as it is! She won't like having another distraction involving me!” [Frowns]
Democrat Cleaner. “That gives us some time to get you the f**k outta Dodge, which, if you do what I say when I say it, should by plenty. Now you got an individual in his underwear, holding a hammer, and having a maniac episode in your bedroom. Please discretely take me to the bedroom where I can have a look at the situation… [They go upstairs. From the darkened upstairs foyer, they examine the half-naked man waiving a hammer around and having a maniac episode in Paul’s bedroom…]
[Whispering] About this individual, is there anything I need to know? And where are his clothes?”
Paul. “I don’t know where his clothes are or if he has any! [Sighs] He is a Castro nudist! And he won’t put down the hammer or leave my bedroom!”
Democrat Cleaner. “Paul…”
Paul. “Yes.”
Democrat Cleaner. “Do me a favor, will ya? Thought I saw a basket of chocolate, and a subzero freezer in your kitchen. By chance, is the freezer stocked with ice cream?”
Paul. “Well, yesss. It’s filled with gourmet ice cream. Mostly chocolate. My wife loves gourmet chocolate ice cream…”
Democrat Cleaner. “Good. I love any kind of chocolate ice cream too. It helps me to think clearer and solve problems. [They quietly go back downstairs to the kitchen. Paul hands the Democrat Cleaner a pint of chocolate...]
Thank you, Paul. [He takes the top off and dips his spoon into the pint.]
Mmm, this ice cream is delicious!”
Paul. “It should be. That ice cream costs $13 a pint!”
Democrat Cleaner. “Now, let’s get down to business. [Continues to eat the ice cream while pacing as he thinks…]
Do cameras cover every inch of this place, and are all the doors and windows alarmed?”
Paul. “Yes, of course! This is San Francisco. Not even billionaires and politicians are safe here anymore…” [Sighs]
Democrat Cleaner. “I need to see the camera footage.”
Paul. “Hmmm… Is that necessary?” [Embarrassed look]
Democrat Cleaner. “Paul… [He pauses and puts his pint of ice cream down.] I am here to help you. Just like a therapist would. In order to help you, I need to review ALL the camera footage to come up with a plausible solution to deal with the half-naked man who won’t leave your bedroom, who is holding a hammer, and having a maniac episode. Now, let me see ALL the footage…” [Paul sighs. They go to the security control room to rewind and review the footage…]
Paul. “Oh my god!!! [Horrified look] David must have found my wife’s stash when I was in the bathroom!!!”
Democrat Cleaner. “I see… [Grave face] Do you know what your wife uses?”
Paul. “She’s crazy as a bed bug!!! I mean, she is nuts!!! [Hysterical look] I have no idea what she’s jacked up on all the time!!! [Shakes head] And I don’t dare to ask!!!”
Democrat Cleaner [Pauses to think]. “Are all these cameras being monitored by anyone?”
Paul. “The Capitol Hill Police is supposed to be monitoring the external camera feeds. But I doubt they are watching since Nancy is not home.”
Democrat Cleaner. “And your friend David. Did you also inject him with anything and are there any dead bodies that I should know about?”
Paul. “Injection? Dead bodies?!!” [Confused face]
Democrat Cleaner. “I mean, is this going to turn into another Ed Buck type of clean-up operation?”
Paul. “No! [Startled look] I don’t know what he might have already been on before coming over! And I don’t know what my wife uses that he took! [Shakes head and sighs]
As usual when Nancy is gone, I had a few drinks. Then David came over with his hammer, rope, and the zip ties we normally use. And I had a few more drinks with him…
I got my hammer and David and I got down to business. But before we could get to using the rope and zip ties, I had to use the bathroom again. I am 82 years old. So I had to use the bathroom a couple of time while he was here.
But when I came out of the bathroom for the last time, he was having some kind of maniac episode and waiving the hammer around like a mad man! And now I can’t get him to leave my bedroom!”
Democrat Cleaner. “I see…”
Paul. “Can’t you just Arkancide or Epstein him? Without making a big mess, of course. Then put him in the trunk of your trunk and dump him in the Bay?!”
Democrat Cleaner. “I don’t do that sort of clean-up work. If you wanted that to happen, they should have called and sent one of Hillary’s cleaners. The kind of clean-up work I do is to tidy up loose ends after something like that has already happened… [Pauses to think while pacing and eating from the pint of ice cream…]
I will need you to get your hammer, your phone, and for you to be ready to call the police.”
Paul. “Call the police?! [Worried look] We cannot involve the police! You were called instead of the usual cleaner! And we are paying you to come up with better ideas than him! [Upset look] So I expect a better solution to my problem! Calling the police again is not a solution! It will just make things worst!”
Democrat Cleaner. “Let me set things and you straight! [Grim face] You have a serious problem on your hands! I'm here to tell you what to do! Not take all night arguing with you when time is of the essence! And if self-preservation is an instinct you possess, you better f**kin' do what I tell you and do it quick! I'm here to help. If my help is not appreciated, lots of luck explaining a half-naked man with a hammer having a maniac episode in your bedroom to Nancy! And for that matter, try explaining to her what happened to her stash of whatever that stuff was!”
Paul [Sighs]. “It ain't that way! Your help is definitely appreciated! It’s just… [Pauses to calm down]
The last time a young friend had a similar maniac episode, it was in the car with me. I have no idea what kids take these days. So I made a call. They sent the usual cleaner to fix things.
After he dealt with my young friend, he got the police involved to provide cover. Since it was up in Napa where we own a big winery, it was assumed the police would provide all the necessary cover.
But I ended up with a DUI! The incident turned into a public spectacle! And Nancy was so pissed, she got rid of that cleaner and nearly got rid of me as well!”
Democrat Cleaner. “Paul… [Grim face again] If I'm curt with you, it's because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast, and I need you to act fast if you want to get out of this before Nancy comes home. So pretty please, with sugar on top, get your phone and hammer! And get ready to tell the police exactly what I am about to tell you to tell them!”
Paul. “Ok! Ok! I will do what you say…” [Goes and gets his phone and hammer.]
Democrat Cleaner. “You are going to dial the police. You are going to tell them there is another male in the home. You don’t know who he is. But you need some assistance from them to make him leave. You need to make it clear that its nothing serious because we don’t want them swatting you. That will turn this unfortunate incident into the sort of spectacle you want to avoid.”
Paul. “Ok then. I will call the police…” [Paul dials the police, and starts talking to them…]
Democrat Cleaner [Shakes head]. “That’s not exactly a convincing performance and what I told you to say.” [Frowns]
Paul. “Well, I am sorry! I was nervous! And I am still feeling a little hammered!” [Sighs]
Democrat Cleaner. “That is ok. I am always able to work with what I got. How much time do we have until the police typically arrive in this neighbourhood?”
Paul. “For Pacific Heights? No more than two minutes.”
Democrat Cleaner. “That is quick for the police these days. It means we need to move fast. Now I need your hammer. [Paul hands him his hammer]
Are there any sliding glass or French doors to a terrace or backyard?”
Paul. “There are French doors in the living room going to the terrace.”
Democrat Cleaner. “Are they alarmed with the alarm turned on?”
Paul. “Yes.”
Democrat Cleaner. “Can you shut off the alarm for them?”
Paul. “I just need to push this button. [Pushes the button] The alarm for the doors is now off.”
Democrat Cleaner. “Now take me to the French doors. [Paul takes him to the living room] Please hold onto my ice cream. I don’t want glass shards getting into it.” [He hands the pint of ice cream to Paul. Using the hammer, he quickly smashes a window on one of the French doors. He then takes back the pint of ice cream and continues eating from it.]
Paul. “But most of the broken glass is now on the terrace like the window was broken from the inside!”
Democrat Cleaner. “It does not matter. This is San Francisco. The police will not question it. And if anyone else questions why the broken glass is on the outside, they will say that crime scene science has changed… Or because David had used the hammer’s other end to pull the glass outward… It does not matter… These are minor details to the overall narrative…
Phase one of the narrative is now complete. This moves us right along to phase two of the narrative. I need you to strip and be ready for when the police arrive.”
Paul. “Strip?”
Democrat Cleaner. “Down to your underwear…” [He finishes the pint of ice cream and puts the container down.]
Paul. “To my underwear? [Concerned look] But there is a half-naked guy in my bedroom. People might jump to… [Pauses] Wild conclusions if I am also in my underwear when the police arrive!”
Democrat Cleaner. “Paul… The whole narrative I am developing is simple. You were asleep in your underwear in your bedroom. While you were asleep, an intruder used a hammer to smash a window on your French doors and enter your home. The intruder went upstairs to your bedroom looking to harm Nancy. He intended to kneecap and use the rope and zip ties on her. You told him she was not home. Then you made an excuse to go to the bathroom where you happened to have your phone charging. You will tell the police that you had told David you were calling Nancy to tell her to come home. Instead, you had called the police. Do you understand the narrative?”
Paul. “Yes, buttt… [Scratches head] This narrative seems a little hard to swallow…
And how do we explain the fact that he is also in his underwear as well? He’s a Castro nudist. So I don’t know where his clothes are or if he even has any…” [Shruggs]
Democrat Cleaner. “We don’t need to explain minor details like that. Again, this is San Francisco. The police report will reflect the narrative. The DA will repeat the narrative and so will any prosecutors. We can fill in any missing details later, if he lives long enough for a trial… Which I seriously doubt he will… And nobody who is not asking to be cancelled will question the narrative.
If you don’t like my narrative, do you care to propose another one to explain how you found yourself in this peculiar situation?”
Paul. “Well… No! I mean… [Pauses and scratches head again] I can’t think of another plausible narrative to explain how I found myself in this… [Pauses again] Situation!” [Sighs]
Democrat Cleaner. “Good. So we are cool. [Flashing lights outside] I see the police have arrived. You will go back upstairs and stand outside your bedroom in the upstairs foyer where it is dark. When you hear me let the police in, I want you to yell in a muffled voice, ‘Where is Nancy?!! Where is Nancy?!!’”
Paul. “Why do you want me to yell that?” [Confused look]
Democrat Cleaner [Sighs]. “We don’t have time for me to explain why. But it’s all part of the narrative. Now take your place upstairs outside your bedroom and get ready to yell when you hear the police come in.” [Paul goes up the stairs to darkened foyer outside the bedroom. The doorbell rings. The Democrat Cleaner opens the door…]
SFPD. “Good evening, may I ask for your pronouns?”
Democrat Cleaner. “He/him/his…”
SFPD. “Thank you. I understand there is a problem here?”
Paul [Muffled yelling]. “Where is Nancy?!! Where is Nancy?!!” [The SFPD enters and starts heading for the stairs. From the top of the stairs in the dark, there is a sudden burst of movement from the bedroom door towards Paul…]
Democrat Cleaner. “Look out Paul! He is right behind you with his… [Cracking sound…] Hammer!!!”
While we are bombarded with woke propaganda buried into every story line from Hollywood to fiction literature these days, there is hardly any NON-WOKE satire (beyond the Babylon Bee etc) and/or fictional/satirical writing along the lines of George Orwell, Ayn Rand and the like. And besides, publishers won’t touch such material these days - meaning there is little monetary incentive for such writing…
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COVIDsteria: An Oral History of America’s Great Reset (Table of Contents) is a fictional satire along the lines of a Studs Terkel oral history or Max Brooks' World War Z published as a serialized book on Substack while Tales From the Great Reset is our occasional satirical short-story series:
* Updated as of June 6, 2023.
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In addition, BREAD&CIRCUSES is our weekly humor roundup posts plus check out our links to alternative news/resources…
And don’t forget to visit/like/share all of our ongoing meme/humor posts covering COVIDsteria, RUSSOphobia, and whatever the next psyop they try to force upon us!
Credible hypothesis. Well done.
Another excellent post Citizen Satirist!
Now this might be a total shot in the dark, but do you or anybody here know if there's a post or a list showing all the controversial books that have been called out or banned from public school libraries for inappropriate and often LGBTQ sexual content? The idiots I argue with keep saying it's a rare phenomenon and it has me wishing I had saved every article I came across.