Tales From the Great Reset: Willie’s Willie Tells All (Exclusive Interview!)
Tales From the Great Reset: Willie’s Willie Tells All (Exclusive Interview!)
In an exclusive tell-all interview, Willie’s Willie talks politics, life with the “Big Head,” & “Knee Pads” – the one who broke the unwritten rules of politics! He also has some choice words for her!
Hmmm… how should I address you?
You can call me Willie because that's what I am! I am the Big Head’s Willie!
And hmmm… what is your relationship like with hmmm… the Big Head?
Well, the Big Head and I have always been a team. In fact, I am one of the reasons the Big Head got to where he ended up in politics as I got to interview all the attractive young ladies in his political network!
To do well in politics in a big state like this, you need to have a network of people who will always be loyal to you after you help advance their careers. The people in this network, in turn, are expected to pay you back by always giving you their political support. And when you need a little favor from them, they are supposed to repay you for having helped them out in the past.
At least that is how everything is supposed to work, as these are all the unwritten rules of politics…
Did it always work like that or were these unwritten rules sometimes broken?
Yes… I mean no… Well let me explain as it would later become the elephant in the room. It happened only once to the Big Head. A lady he helped out after I had repeatedly interviewed her did not follow the unwritten rules of politics. In fact, she completely broke the rules. She refused to do any favors for him after getting everything she needed from him to advance her career…
Tell me what happened?
It started late one night at the office. The Big Head was working late – or so I thought. I thought we would be going home, and he would, well, you know. It would just be me and him...
But then I heard Marvin Gaye playing...
The Marvin Gaye music playing always clued me in that I would soon be interviewing a young lady who wanted a job or political endorsement from the Big Head. And it was hard for me to not start getting excited when I heard that music playing!
Then all of a sudden, I heard a weird cackling noise!
“What the hell is that, a Hyena?!!” I was thinking. “I hope the creature making that noise does not try to sniff or bite me!”
But despite the strange Hyena-like cackling I heard, I was getting more and more excited! I literally could hardly wait for the Big Head to whip me out to interview his mysterious new job or endorsement-seeking lady friend!
Could I interrupt you and your story to ask a quick question?
Sure!
Hmmm… where was the Big Head’s wife when he was having you hmmm… interview these “job or endorsement-seeking lady friends”?
Wifey? The Big Head has not taken me to visit wifey in decades. As far as I know, they are still married. But he is free to date and have me interview other women, if you know what I mean…
Ohhh… ok… So getting back to your story…
Yea… Like I said, and despite all the Hyena-like cackling, I could hardly wait for the interview to start. I just had to wait for the Big Head to stop talking and whip me out!
And next thing you know, he did...
And there she was…
Kneeling before me…
Knee Pads…
Hmmm… “Knee Pads?”
Yea, Knee Pads! Actually, I never did catch her name. I rarely get the interviewee names. And their names and what they want out of the Big Head does not matter to me! Heck, sometimes I am not sure if it matters much to the Big Head either!
Well, I take that back... [Pauses] There is one thing that matters to the Big Head when it comes to the ladies he has me interview. He never has me interview the Ann Coulter cougar types. They are always too old and too vampish for his liking!
But this lady interviewee was wearing a pair of knee pads. None of the other ladies the Big Head had me interview had worn them for their interviews.
And those knee pads looked like they had seen a lot of use! They were already worn in some spots down to the inner lining. That was a bit of a turnoff and concerned me.
“What sort of lady is the Big Head having me interview?” I was thinking. “I hope I won't have to see a doctor in a few weeks, if you know what I mean…”
Hmmm… Yea… I think I do… And hmmm… What happened next?
What happened next? The usual thing happened next… She and I got down to doing the interview!
And man, let me tell you something… [Pauses] When Knee Pads was on her knees getting interviewed by me, she was like a professional ballerina! She could have stared in the Nutcracker! I mean, she spun around and around… Then she… [I interrupt]
Ok, I think I have heard enough! What happened when you and she were hmmm… finished with the interview?
When I was finished interviewing Knee Pads and was cleaned up, she and the Big Head got straight down to business. She wanted to hustle a better job out of him. That explained why her knee pads were so worn. She was interviewing all over town if you know what I mean. These sorts of job or endorsement seekers the Big Head introduced me too often were interviewing all over town...
What sort of job did hmmm… Knee Pads want?
That was the thing… Knee Pads was fresh out of law school and already working at a County district attorney's office. There was not much she was an expert on… Other than, well… You know what I mean… As I said, she was like a ballerina on her knee pads when I interviewed her!
But she wanted a better-paying job. Baring a better job, she wanted a well-paying position on a political Board or Commission.
In this state, there are all sorts of Boards and Commissions that do not require much work, knowledge, or even intelligence. But they all pay well. That's where washed-up politicians and loyal political operatives go to make some quick money when they are term-limited out of elected office or lose an election.
If you wanted one of these positions, your best bet was to go through the Big Head. And if you were an attractive young lady, you got interviewed by me!
Hmmm… I see... Did the Big Head appoint her to a Board or Commission?
He sure did! Given how well the first interview with me had gone, the Big Head appointed her to two different positions – one on a Board and one on a Commission.
One job paid $72,000 a year, and the other paid around $97,000 a year. That means Knee Pads quickly netted more than $400,000 in just a few years from these two roles.
But what were her qualifications for these roles?
Knee Pads’ qualifications?!! Like I already said, she was a ballerina on her knees wearing those worn knee pads whenever I interviewed her!
I also remember her saying how she could bring “a level of life knowledge and common sense to the jobs.” I believe that - let me tell you something… [Pauses] You better believe she had brought “a level of life knowledge and common sense” to all her interviews with me!
“All her interviews?”
Yea!
How many… hmmm… interviews were there?
Ohhh, you see, the Big Head and Knee Pads started dating! When he ran for another political office, she was our constant companion on and off the campaign trail.
And this was common knowledge...
And what did hmmm… the Big Head specifically want in return besides hmmm… interviews with you?
Politically, all the Big Head expected was loyalty. And when he needed a little something politically in return, she was supposed to provide it. Again, these were the unwritten rules of politics.
However, Knee Pads broke all those rules. Once she got what she wanted, she described the Big Head as “an albatross hanging around my neck.” That’s an app description given the nature of her relationship with him and specifically what she would do with me!
Later on, she even said that his career was over. But that she would be alive and kicking for the next 40 years and did not owe him a thing.
In fact, Knee Pads was the only person who the Big Head helped who, after helping her, sent word that he would be indicted if he “so much as jaywalked” when she finally got a job with the power to do that! As the Big Head later said, “That’s politics for ya...”
How did the hmmm… Big Head take that?
It was hard for both of us when we were rejected by Knee Pads! But I think the Big Head took it extra hard and had trouble getting over her.
A few times late in the office, I heard Marvin Gaye playing. And I was thinking the Big Head was getting ready to have me interview another young lady job or endorsement seeker.
But when I got whipped out for what I thought would be an interview, we were alone… Except for the pair of worn knee pads sitting on the Big Head’s desk… So I know he was still thinking about her…
Later on, I heard Knee Pads was offered a position in politics that was clearly well beyond her capabilities, and it was a dead-end job with no real power. The Big Head offered her some clear advice: Politely decline and hold out for a position with legitimate power.
Did she follow that advice?
Nope…
And what happened?
Well, it was just like all the times she was with me. The glory was short-lived, and we both got what we wanted, but then there was a mess to clean up…
One final question. Given how well you hmmm… know hmmm… Knee Pads, what advice would you give her?
To be frank, there is only one thing… I take that back. There are a few things or roles that Knee Pads is good at performing, but they all involved me!
For example, she definitely knows how to swallow, but she does not know how to swallow her pride and adapt to a new job. That’s why she has problems. And when she has a problem, she lashes out at others and blames them.
Trust me on that because I know first hand. In fact, Knee Pads lashed out at me a couple of times, but it was not my fault. It was her fault because she was not doing something right… And she could not explain what I was doing wrong or what she wanted me to do. But it was always my fault. Neither I nor the Big Head appreciated getting blamed for her inability to communicate her desires…
Frankly speaking, Knee Pads’ problem is how she can be a real dick to everyone… Just look at how she treated the Big Head? She was a real dick to him after all he and I did to advance her career!
Anyway and with that said, I don’t have, and I don’t think the Big Head has any ill will towards Knee Pads. Like the Big Head once said, “That’s politics for ya…”
But I would add that Knee Pads better watch out because politics, like karma, can be a real b*tch! And she is overdue for some heavy payback for being a real dick!
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COVIDsteria: An Oral History of America’s Great Reset (Table of Contents) is a fictional satire along the lines of a Studs Terkel oral history or Max Brooks' World War Z published as a serialized book on Substack while Tales From the Great Reset is our occasional satirical short-story series:
* Updated as of June 6, 2023.
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Camel A'kneepad Harris?