Inside a GOP Brainstorming Session on How to Sabotage Their Chances of Winning an Election (Tales From the Great Reset)
Snatching defeat from the jaws of an election victory needs a Great Reset. I secretly sat in on a GOP brainstorming session to come up with new ideas to sabotage their chances of winning the midterms!
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: “Good morning, everyone. [Grave face] As you are aware, the primaries have turned into a bloodbath for Mitch’s approved candidates and everyone who voted to impeach Trump. Liz Cheney is now out in Wyoming, while our future Presidential standard bearer, George P. Bush, lost his race in Texas.
The only election bight spot was Lisa Murkowski emerging out of the primaries, but that was due to 'ranked voting.' She may still lose in November.
For the first time in 50 years, there may soon not be a single Bush, Cheney, and Murkowski at any level of the government. [Sad face]
Our much bigger problem is with President Biden. President Obama was right when he said never to 'underestimate Joe's ability to f**k things up.' Thanks to President Biden f**king everything up, we are increasingly finding ourselves in the position to achieve a landslide election victory. [Sighs and frowns]
Our non-voter-suppression internal polls and the country's mood are strongly moving in our direction. This is because we are perceived as the opposition party. Voters are so angry about the state of the economy they will blindly vote for any candidate with a 'R' by their name. And therein lies our biggest problems. [Sighs]
Mitch’s ideal number is to only have between 45 and 49 Republican Senators and 52 to 55 Democratic Senators. This maximizes the costs and the number of votes Mitch needs to broker to the Democrats to overcome the filibuster and pass President Biden’s and the donors' agenda.
However, the internal polls for the Democrats are so awful right now that we could find ourselves winning more seats than the 60-vote filibuster. If that happens, we will be under tremendous pressure to pass something other than President Biden’s and the donors' agenda. [Sighs again and shakes head]
In the House, we have a different problem. Kevin McCarthy has a big ego and wants Nancy Pelosi’s job. Aside from insider trading, holding committee chairmanships is the only way anyone there can earn serious money. Kevin only wants to win enough seats to guarantee her job. Too many wins in the House by unapproved candidates and the House Freedom Caucus will block him from becoming Speaker.
If Kevin is not the Speaker, all hell may break loose. We may not be able to stop investigations of President Biden, his son, their ties to the Chinese CCP, the FBI, Fauci, and god knows what else. And winning control of the House will severely complicate the passing of President Biden’s Agenda, winning back the donors and providing more aid to Ukraine.
From Mitch’s standpoint, he would rather lose a couple of more seats in the Senate and not have us in control of the House. Then we blame Trump and MAGA Republicans for failing to win control of Congress. Then we deploy our splinter strategy to divide the MAGA vote and nominate Mike Pence and Chris Christy as our standard bearers for 2024. That will help us regain the support of the corporate donor class and educated white suburbanites who have abandoned us.
Mitch has told me how the GOP sabotages its chances of winning elections and control of Congress requires a Great Reset. As part of this Great Reset, he wants a concrete plan from us with new ideas to ensure that we remain in the minority - not only after the November midterms but for the rest of the decade.
Now I want to have a brainstorming session to hear some of your ideas for how we can stop ourselves from winning control of Congress to present to Mitch..."
GOP Victory Sabotage Team: “Instead of talking about the economy or any issue voters care about, we talk non-stop about abortion.”
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: “Yes… Mitch already has Lindsey Graham on all the networks talking non-stop about abortion.
The problem is that many voters do not pay attention to any media that invites him on. And some of our stupid voters might be more motivated to vote if they think we are serious about banning abortion.
Then again… [Pauses to think…] If we got more incumbent Senators aside from Lindsey talking about abortion 24/7, it could help the media distract enough voters from the economy. And it might motivate more Democrats to come out and vote.
I will put this idea on the list for Mitch. But it is not a Great Reset for sabotaging our election chances…”
GOP Victory Sabotage Team: “We pass a gun-grabbing bill disguised as a gun safety bill.”
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: “Mitch has already done that and got 14 GOP Senators, including himself, to vote for it. The bill empowers a judge to order the seizure of firearms merely based on someone's suspicion about the owner's intentions. All that needs to happen now is for someone to complain about someone they do not like and get it before an Obama-Biden-appointed judge. And poof, their guns are gone. I am not sure how much further we can go without the current Supreme Court overturning it.” [Smiles]
GOP Victory Sabotage Team: “We pass a same-sex marriage bill before the midterms and have Lindsey Graham talk non-stop about it.”
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: “We are already working on passing a same-sex marriage bill. But having Lindsey talk about it will be hmmm… a little awkward for him... When we do pass the bill, we plan to have the rest of our caucus talk non-stop about it in the hopes the Christian Nationalists stay home.
However, things are so bad for the Democrats that Speaker Nancy is sending them home a month early to start campaigning. And Majority Leader Chuck will be doing the same in the Senate.”
GOP Victory Sabotage Team: “The House and the Senate call a special session to pass a gay marriage bill.”
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: “Hmmm… [Pauses to think] That is a potentially interesting idea, and it would help move the conversation away from the economy. However, it could make some of our base angrier and more likely to vote for unapproved candidates.
On the other hand… [Pauses again to think] It could help us to lose seats held by approved candidates elsewhere, and sometimes you need to make sacrifices. Or throw people under the bus - like what Mitch did with those Georgia Senate seats in 2020.
We will need to look at the data more closely to see who will need to take one for the team and be thrown under the bus. We will also need to check with our donors to see what kind of Board positions and other jobs they can be guaranteed in exchange for sacrificing themselves.
Mitch can then coordinate with Majority Leader Chuck, Speaker Nancy, and the President about having a special session.”
GOP Victory Sabotage Team: “The House and the Senate call a special session to also pass an election reform bill that will solve the problem of us winning too many elections.”
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: “We are already doing the Electoral Count Act to prevent overturning Presidential elections for fraud. That will hopefully solve the problem of another unapproved candidate who manages to win our primaries from ever becoming President again.
And President Biden has ordered all 600 federal agencies to ‘expand citizens’ opportunities to register to vote and to obtain information about, and participate in, the electoral process.’ That will allow Democrat activists and donors to run ‘Get Out The Vote’ operations from inside state and local government election offices.
But perhaps we can take it one step further… [Pauses to think] Maybe it's not too late to still call a special session and pass a modified H.R.1 to allow a partial federalized takeover of state election administrations - like those in Florida.
The original bill would have mandated automatic voter registration in all 50 states and legalized nationwide vote-by-mail without the need to provide a photo ID for an absentee ballot. However, Mitch was deeply concerned that this would shift the Senate makeup away from his ideal of having 45 to 49 Republican Senators and 52 to 55 Democratic Senators to maximize deal-making revenue. After all, if the Democrats got their way, they would create a one-party state and completely cut us out of governing and deal-making.
But a partial federal takeover of state elections could help enshrine Mitch’s ideal Senate makeup regardless of elections. However, we would need to quickly run some numbers and start negotiations with Nancy, Chuck, and the President. Let’s put this idea on the list for Mitch.”
GOP Victory Sabotage Team: “We offer voters a Contract with America full of stuff they are bound to hate.”
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: “Hmmm… [Pauses to think] In 1994, when Newt’s ego got the better of him and he wanted to become Speaker, he had the Contract with America. Thankfully none of it was ever implemented, but it was enough to give voters a bone to chew on and give him the Speaker’s gavel.
Kevin’s ego is as big as Newt’s, but he is not as smart. He has come up with a ‘Commitment to America’ full of the usual GOP Reagan-like platitudes and talking points that have a snowball’s chance in hell of ever being enacted, but it still might give voters enough of a bone to chew on and vote GOP.
But if we take away that bone and instead focus on the donors… [Pauses to think again and then smiles] We can rewrite Kevin’s ‘Commitment to America’ and have it include:
Tax cuts for the rich.
Gay marriage.
A nationwide blanket abortion ban.
A 100% funding and military commitment for the war in Ukraine.
A path to citizenship for most undocumented.
Election ‘reform.’
Enshrine transgender rights into law.
Police ‘reform.’
Hmmm… What else will piss voters off but might also garner strong support from the donors?
GOP Victory Sabotage Team: “Some kind of student loan forgiveness?”
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: “Brilliant! [Grins broadly] That will help us win back the educated white suburban vote and rid ourselves of those stupid MAGA working class voters!” [Laughs]
GOP Victory Sabotage Team: “What about a commitment to 'govern' rather than conduct investigations?”
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: “That’s also a brilliant idea! [Grins again] Instead of endless investigations of President Biden, his son, their ties to the Chinese CCP, the FBI, Fauci, and god knows what else, we make a commitment to ‘govern’ - whatever the hell that means! [Laughs again]
Ok. We have ten good ideas for a ‘Commitment to America’ that voters will hate and enough for donors to love. But we still need more new ideas preventing and reversing a landslide GOP election victory.”
GOP Victory Sabotage Team: “Hold even more January 6th committee hearings until election day.”
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: [Yawns and frowns] “The problem for us is that nobody cares about January 6th except Democrat base and the media. And again, all Democrats are desperate to go home and campaign. If only committee members remain in Washington doing the hearings, their voters will never see them.
Mitch has also been silent about the committee. And he has ensured that Trump's representatives have no right to cross-examine witnesses. But it's all a nothing burger. If only they could arrest him, and we all can be done with him.” [Frowns again]
GOP Victory Sabotage Team: “We stop all funding for unapproved candidates or any GOP candidate who has a chance of flipping a Democrat-held seat.”
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: “We have already pulled funding for unapproved candidates like JD Vance and Blake Masters. You cannot watch a Youtube cat video in Arizona without seeing at least a couple of anti-Blake Masters ads.
But voters are so angry about the economy they are not paying attention to ads anymore, and we cannot stop individual voters from donating money to unapproved candidates. And now Donald Trump Jr will be out campaigning for JD, and Trump himself will be helping other candidates.”
GOP Victory Sabotage Team: “We have our candidates stop campaigning.”
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: [Sighs] “Dr. Oz has already done that because he is already filthy rich and is running for Senate only for vanity purposes. However, most of our other candidates are not as filthy rich as he is. And they do not understand how the Senate works and how we need to be in the minority to generate and maximize the wealth of members.”
GOP Victory Sabotage Team: “We have Mitch go around and trash our candidates and chances of winning the Senate.”
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: “Mitch is already going around and trashing our candidates and chances of winning. He has stated: ‘I think there's probably a greater likelihood the House flips than the Senate. Senate races are just different - they're statewide, candidate quality has a lot to do with the outcome.’”
He cannot get any less subtle than that. And if Mitch trashes specific unapproved candidates by name, it might help them to win their election.”
GOP Victory Sabotage Team: “We get all unapproved candidates labelled white nationalists.”
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: “The media is already doing that with their latest target being Joe Kent in Washington. We can safely assume they will attempt to do that to all of our candidates. And when they do, we will very publicly abandon them - like we always do.”
GOP Victory Sabotage Team: “More suppression polls.”
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: “It is October already! August and September are suppression poll season!” [Frowns]
GOP Victory Sabotage Team: “We arrange October surprises for all unapproved candidates.”
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: “Oh please! [Shakes head] October surprises are so 2016ish! And Mitch’s Super PACS already threw everything, including the kitchen sink, at unapproved candidates during the primaries. There are no more October Surprises left to throw at them in the general election!”
GOP Victory Sabotage Team: “We have a much BIGGER October Surprise. We declare war on Russia and cancel elections.”
Mitch’s Chief of Staff: “President Biden has done everything he can to trigger an Article 5 NATO response and start World War III with the Russians before the elections. He first tried to outsource starting the war to the Poles with the MIG deal; and then to the Lithuanians with a blockade of Kaliningrad. He has gotten the Ukrainians to repeatedly shell nuclear power plants, and now he has blown up the Nord Stream pipelines. And so far, Vlad has stubbornly refused to take any of the bait. [Frowns]
Even if World War III were to start in the coming weeks, there is no precedence for canceling elections. We even had elections during the Civil War. Short of a nuclear holocaust… hmmm… [Pauses to think] It would be difficult to have elections if there was a nuclear holocaust… [Scratches head] But that is something for the Biden Administration to sort out…
And then there is China. When Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, Hitler declared war on us first - something he did not have to do. Under no circumstances can we risk having World War III involve China or having the Chinese declare war on us. That will severely harm all the donors. And Mitch is very concerned a war with China will impact his wife’s family’s shipping interests.
2:18:32 Chapter 5: McConnell and Chao: From China with Profits
Ok. I think I have heard enough ideas. [Sighs and frowns]
To summarize what we are already doing:
We have pulled funding for unapproved candidates.
We have told other candidates like Dr. Oz to stop campaigning.
Mitch has already trashed our candidates.
We are talking about issues or have passed bills guaranteed to be unpopular with our voters.
Additional steps we can suggest to Mitch include:
We have more incumbent Senators besides Lindsey Graham who talk 24/7 about abortion.
We have a special session to pass a gay marriage bill.
We have a special session to pass a bill to partially federalize elections to enshrine always having no more than 45 to 49 Republican Senators to maximize our deal-making revenue.
To offset gains by unapproved candidates, we have some of our approved candidates throw themselves under the bus - like in Georgia 2020.
We will also rewrite Kevin’s ‘Commitment to America’ to have it include items the voters will hate; but donors might love, such as:
Tax cuts for the rich.
Gay marriage.
A nationwide blanket abortion ban.
A 100% funding and military commitment for the war in Ukraine.
A path to citizenship for most undocumented.
Election ‘reform.’
Enshrine transgender rights into law.
Police ‘reform.’
Some sort of student loan forgiveness.
A commitment to ‘govern’ rather than investigate.
Nevertheless, these ideas are not exactly a Great Reset when it comes to sabotaging our abilities to win too many seats in the midterms. [Frowns]
I think we have only two hopes for salvaging the midterms. We just hope that the Democrats will be able to fix things on and after Election Day like they did in 2020, or they are successful at starting World War III and a nuclear holocaust with and only with the Russians. [Sighs again]
If only Joe had not f**ked things up so badly, we would not be in this awful position of winning a landslide election victory.” [Shakes his head and frowns]
Be sure to read: Inside an Election Fraud Brainstorming Session…
Did I miss any way the GOP will attempt to sabotage their chances of winning? If so, tell me in a comment…
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COVIDsteria: An Oral History of America’s Great Reset (Table of Contents) is a fictional satire along the lines of a Studs Terkel oral history or Max Brooks' World War Z published as a serialized book on Substack while Tales From the Great Reset is our occasional satirical short-story series:
* Updated as of June 6, 2023.
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Inside a GOP Brainstorming Session on How to Sabotage Their Chances of Winning an Election
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