Middle East War Conference Call Transcript (Tales From the Great Reset)
I secretly eavesdropped on a Middle East war conference call b/w various leaders waiting for the Americans to pay them. Needless to say, they are getting frustrated waiting for their next handouts!
Bibi Netanyahu: “Ok, who has already joined us on the call?”
Supreme Leader Khamenei: “I’m here, Bibi!”
Recep Tayyip Erdoğan: “Me too!”
Bashar al-Assad: “So am I…”
Head of Hamas: “I’m also here, Bibi! And can I ask how the weather is in Israel?” [Sarcastic voice]
Bibi Netanyahu: “Partly cloudy, but otherwise perfect precision bombing and invasion weather! Our weather has got to be much better than the weather in Qatar where you are!”
[Laughter heard]
Head of Hamas: “Yes - it’s hotter than hell here! And when do you think you will be ready to start the Gaza invasion? My people are getting a little antsy and want to cut off some more Jewish heads!”
[Laughter heard]
Bibi Netanyahu: [Loud Sighing] “When the damn Americans give us the $10 billion we asked for - that’s when! Have the Americans paid you yet?” [Annoyed voice]
Head of Hamas: “Nooo!” [Loud sighing]
Bibi Netanyahu: “And what about you Supreme Leader? Have they given you any more money yet?”
Supreme Leader Khamenei: “Nooo! [Annoyed voice] I am waiting on $6 billion! What is going on with the Americans and about paying us the money?”
Volodymyr Zelensky: “Did I hear someone ask about money?”
Multiple Voices: “Volodymyr!”
Bibi Netanyahu: “Have the Americans made the latest payments to you?” [Annoyed voice]
Volodymyr Zelensky: “Nooo! I am also waiting for another $60 billion! [Angry sigh] And it can’t come soon enough. Now wifey wants another place in Italy! What am I supposed to tell her?” [Exasperated voice]
[Laughter heard]
Head of Hamas: “You should be glad that you only have one wife!”
[Loud laughter heard]
Volodymyr Zelensky: “Yes, but I bet none of your wives are Ukrainian! They are very demanding when it comes to luxury properties [Sighs]… Oh, and can I ask you guys to please stop firing rockets at the seaside Tel Aviv neighborhood my parents have a villa in? I am afraid the villa will get damaged while my parents are at my place in Miami.”
Head of Hamas: “If they are not there, then what difference does it make if the Tel Aviv villa gets hit? Just have the Americans buy your parents another villa. And don’t they also have a place in Egypt?”
Volodymyr Zelensky: “That villa is supposed to be for my my in-laws. It’s just that my parents are rather fond of their Tel Aviv villa…”
Head of Hamas: “Ohhh… Send me the name of the neighborhood in a chat message. I will tell my people to try and not fire rockets at it.”
Bibi Netanyahu: “And can you tell your people to stop firing those damn rockets at all upscale seaside Tel Aviv neighborhoods? [Annoyed voice] The Rothchilds called me again late last night to complain about the noise they were making! There is no need to fire rockets at upscale seaside areas when we have plenty of poor and crowded ultra-orthodox neighborhoods where you can maximize casualties!”
Head of Hamas: “Of course Bibi! I will tell my people to try and hit the ultra-orthodox neighborhoods. But it’s not like we can control where rockets made out of water pipes donated by the Europeans will hit!”
[MBS joins the call…]
Multiple Voices: “Your Highness!”
MBS: “Hey guys, how are all your wars going?”
[Sighs heard…]
Bibi Netanyahu: “We in Israel are sitting around waiting for the Americans to pay us!” [Annoyed voice]
Volodymyr Zelensky: “It’s the same for us in Ukraine…”
Supreme Leader Khamenei: “And for us in Iran…”
[Sighs heard…]
MBS: “I know how you feel. I am waiting on a deal to get new fighter jets from the Americans…”
Recep Tayyip Erdoğan: “And we are also waiting for our new fighter jets from the Americans so we can bomb the Kurds in Syria and then intervene in Armenia after the Azerbaijanis attack them…”
[Vlad Putin joins the call…]
Multiple Voices: “Vlad!”
Vlad Putin: “Hello gentlemen!”
Volodymyr Zelensky: “Vlad [Annoyed voice], can you have your army slow down your offensive! You are killing us at Avdiivka! If this keeps up, our military will completely collapse before the Americans get around to paying us again!”
Vlad Putin: “I will tell my people to slow it down…”
Head of Hamas: “Bibi, can you please do the same in Gaza? You guys are flattening everything too quickly!”
Bibi Netanyahu: “Don’t worry! Given all the corruption charges I am facing, I have no intention of winning any war too quickly! And besides, I want to maximize the amount of money we can get out of the Americans!”
[Laughter heard]
Volodymyr Zelensky: “Why don’t you just fire the prosecutors like what we did when they started investigating Burisma?”
Bibi Netanyahu: [Sighs] “I wish politics were that simple in Israel. Plus, we have to keep the Americans and Israel lobby in the US happy. Frankly, they have about as much love for me as they do for Vlad!”
[Laughter heard]
Head of Hamas: “Just try not to kill too many of our fighters so we can put up a good long fight when you go into Gaza City…”
Vlad Putin: “Speaking of fighters, does anyone need some mercenaries? I have an excess supply of…”
[Gets cut off]
Bibi Netanyahu: “Nooo!” [Annoyed voice]
Head of Hamas: “Nooo!” [Annoyed voice]
Supreme Leader Khamenei: “No thanks! We got enough jihadis for now!” [Annoyed voice]
Recep Tayyip Erdoğan: “Please don’t send more to Syria unless they are going there to fight the Kurds!” [Annoyed voice]
Bashar al-Assad: “Yes, we have enough people fighting each other over what is left of my country! Unless you want to send some to attack the Americans who have stolen my grain and oil producing region!” [Annoyed voice]
Volodymyr Zelensky: “Why don’t you send all of them to Niger to annoy the French? Nobody wants to deal with mercenaries who snort cocaine and play with grenades…” [Smug voice]
[Laughter heard]
MBS: “Vlad, you really trolled them with that story!”
Vlad Putin: “And your Highness, I loved how you kept Anthony Blinken waiting all night to see you. And then you refused to meet with him in the morning and he had to leave!”
[Laughter heard]
MBS: “Yes, Vlad… I decided the way you treat Macron was not insulting enough and took it one step further. That’s what he deserves for not giving me the fighter jets I want. And besides, I had just gotten a new shipment of Ukrainian chicks for my harem and wanted to try all of them out that night!”
[Laughter heard]
Volodymyr Zelensky: “They are soooo demanding…”
MBS: “Tell me about it - I am exhausted! [Laughter heard] Anyway, I just spoke with the Arab League. The leaders from the non-oil rich shithole countries [Laughter heard] all said they need a bigger distraction from all the problems they have at home. Do you think one of you could blow up another Gaza hospital?”
Bibi Netanyahu: “Your Highness… [Annoyed voice] Gaza is running out of hospitals to blow-up!”
Head of Hamas: “You got that right!”
[Laughter heard]
MBS: “Well… Which ever one of you blew up that last hospital did a great job creating a big distraction for all the Arabs on the street! They all want to go and cut off Israeli heads!”
Volodymyr Zelensky: “I wish something like that would work for us. All our so-called men have fled to Europe where they complain incessantly. We have to kidnap people off the street to fill our armies!” [Annoyed voice]:
Head of Hamas: “Well, the hospital bombing was us! Like I said, we don’t have much control over rockets made from the pipes the Europeans donated to us. Alot of them come down on us. Do you think I am in Qatar for the weather? It’s nice and safe here!”
[Laughter heard]
Bibi Netanyahu: “Your Highness, just wait until we end the precision strikes and start the Gaza City carpet bombing campaign and full-scale ground invasion. They will be thoroughly enraged!”
MBS: “And when will that be? When the weather clears?” [Sarcastic voice]
[Laughter heard]
Bibi Netanyahu: “It will be when the damn Americans pay us the $10 billion and not a day soon!” [Annoyed voice]
Supreme Leader Khamenei: “And when we get our $6 billion, Hezbollah will join in!”
Bibi Netanyahu: “Then we can attack you from Azerbaijan! Of course, this is after they invade Armenia and the Turks have an excuse to intervene there. But I heard Armenians and Azerbaijanis are also still waiting for the Americans to pay them before attacking each other…”
Recep Tayyip Erdoğan: “Yes, that is what they have told me as well…”
[Multiple sighs heard]
Volodymyr Zelensky: “What is going on with our money? [Confused voice] Janet Yellen said they have enough money to fund two wars. What did Brandon tell you on his last visit!” [Sarcastic voice]
Bibi Netanyahu: “Oh my god, he was totally incomprehensible! [Annoyed voice] Every time I asked about the money, he would talk about his corvette…! Or the fire that nearly killed his cat…! Or somebody named Corn Pop…! [Exasperated voice] At least he did not shit in his pants this time or fall down any stairs!”
MBS: “I hate it when he shits in his pants! And protocol calls for us to act like we can’t smell it!”
[Multiple groans heard]
Volodymyr Zelensky: “So where the hell is our money?” [Annoyed voice]
MBS: “And my fighter jets?”
Recep Tayyip Erdoğan: “And my fighter jets as well?”
[Awkward pause…]
Comrade Xi: “Gentlemen, I know what problem is with Americans and money…”
Multiple Voices: “Comrade Xi!”
Bibi Netanyahu: “When did you join the call?”
Comrade Xi: “I was listening the whole time!”
[Laughter heard]
Volodymyr Zelensky: “Of course you were! Do you know when we will get our money from the Americans?” [Annoyed voice]
Bibi Netanyahu: “Yea, what do you know about the money? Have they told you something they are not telling us?” [Annoyed voice]
Comrade Xi: “My understanding is like this: Americans need Speaker. Without Speaker, very hard for Americans to spend new money. When they get Speaker and Big Guy gets 10%, everyone gets paid...”
Several Voices: “Hooray!!!”
[Loud cheering]
Vlad Putin: “Comrade Xi, when do you invade Taiwan?”
Bibi Netanyahu: “Please Comrade Xi, don’t invade Taiwan until we get our money from the Americans!” [Annoyed voice]
Volodymyr Zelensky: “Yes, we also need the Americans to pay us first! Then you can invade Taiwan and anyone else you want!”
Head of Hamas: “And those rockets we fire don’t pay for themselves! We need funding from the Americans for them!”
Vlad Putin: “And neither do the drones the Supreme Leader sends us…”
Supreme Leader Khamenei: “Well, we also need to get paid so we can send you guys more rockets and drones!”
MBS: “And I want my damn fighter jets!” [Annoyed voice]
Recep Tayyip Erdoğan: “And they need to give us our fighter jets as well!”
Bashar al-Assad: “The Americans have no excuse not to pay everyone! After all, they have stolen my grain and oil producing region!” [Annoyed voice]
Comrade Xi: “Don’t worry! I wait until Americans give all you what they promise you!”
Bibi Netanyahu: “Well, that is a relief…” [Happy voice]
MBS: “Guys, I have to go. I have demands to fulfill with my harem. It’s those new Ukrainian chicks!”
[Laughter heard]
Volodymyr Zelensky: “Your Highness, I know what you mean…”
Vlad Putin: “Me too!”
[Laughter heard]
MBS: “al-wadaa!”
Recep Tayyip Erdoğan: “I need to get back to attacking the Kurds and planning an Armenia intervention. Güle güle gentlemen!”
Bashar al-Assad: “Let me know if you need any help attacking the Kurds! Maybe when everyone gets paid, you can indirectly help us get back our grain and oil producing region that was stolen by the Americans! al-wadaa!”
Comrade Xi: “And I need to plan Taiwan invasion. Gentlemen, Zàijiàn!”
Bibi Netanyahu: “Yes, and I have a long to-do list. There’s our Gaza invasion… Then attacking Hezbollah in Lebanon… Then more bombing in Syria - so watch out Bashar!”
[Laughter heard]
Bashar al-Assad: “Don’t worry, Bibi! I moved my family to China before this latest war began! But we should have given us a longer heads up - they left some things behind!”
Bibi Netanyahu: “Didn’t you get a ten-day warning? That should have been more than enough time for them to pack…”
Bashar al-Assad: “Well, they don’t travel light!” [Laughing heard]
Bibi Netanyahu: “Anyway… After we are done doing all of that, then it’s on to attacking you my Supreme Leader! So shlom!”
Supreme Leader Khamenei: “We will be waiting, Bibi! Khodahafezi!”
[Laughter heard]
Head of Hamas: “And Bibi, get ready for more rockets!”
Bibi Netanyahu: “And I will send you a list of ultra-Orthodox neighborhoods you are free to destroy! I hate trying to reason with those fanatics!” [Annoyed voice]
[Laughter heard]
Head of Hamas: “No problem, Bibi! It will be our pleasure to fire rockets at them!”
Bibi Netanyahu: “Yea… And mine too! And you should have taken them as your hostages…” [Annoyed voice]
Head of Hamas: “We don’t want to deal with them as hostages as the non-ultra-Orthodox ones are giving us enough trouble! [Laughter heard] Oh, and Volodymyr, thanks for sending me the name of neighborhood your parent’s villa is in. I will tell my people to try and not hit that area with rockets! No guarantees though with their aim - it’s pretty bad! al-wadaa!”
Volodymyr Zelensky: “Thank you! Much appreciated! Proshchay everyone!”
Vlad Putin: “Volodymyr, I must say that I love hearing you speak Russian like a native!”
[Laughter heard]
Volodymyr Zelensky: “Well, it is my native tongue after all! It’s not like Ukraine is a real country that has its own native language separate from Russian!”
[Laughter heard]
Vlad Putin: “Proshchay everyone!”
[Clicks heard…]
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COVIDsteria: An Oral History of America’s Great Reset (Table of Contents) is a fictional satire along the lines of a Studs Terkel oral history or Max Brooks' World War Z published as a serialized book on Substack while Tales From the Great Reset is our occasional satirical short-story series:
* Updated as of June 6, 2023.
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