BREAD&CIRCUSES: The Undocumented Tribesmen are Coming! (Introduction)
The first introductory chapter of Bread & Circus - what will be an ongoing serial novel about Rome's great reset towards feudalism!
With election kabuki theatre coming, our normal BREAD&CIRCUSES Sunday morning weekly humor roundup posts may be taking a brief hiatus for the coming weeks (or maybe we will just have some truncated Sunday posts…) so we can use Sundays to send out the first few completed chapters of Bread & Circuses (what will be an ongoing serial novel that was started some years ago in pre-Substack days but had otherwise been on hiatus…) before we all get sent to the Gulags after the elections!
In our ongoing Bread & Circuses serial novel, we will be taking a journey back to the Roman Empire just in time for them to elect a new Emperor and embark on their journey towards feudalism a great reset… And this Introduction chapter to wet your appetite is completely free (and you can always listen to it with a browser or a read aloud smartphone app)…
"Are you open?"
"Yes, of course we are open. Just come on in and sit yourself down - it’s not like we get many travelers nowadays. No one around here has much money to eat and drink at a tavern. And given the state of the road and how dangerous it is to travel with all the bandits and roving bands of barbarians, no one spends the night at our inn anymore. In fact, you are the first traveler to come for a while. Now what can I get you to eat or drink?"
"I'll have some wine to start with..."
"Wine?" the old woman frowned. "I am sorry mister, we don't have wine anymore."
"But this is Campania and you don't have any wine?" the old man said in a perplexed voice.
"We don't have any wine because when the first invading barbarian tribe came through here, they drank every last drop of it - before they destroyed all our vineyards and the wine presses. Then it took some time to get new vines and replant them, but then all the new invading barbarian tribes kept destroying them. It's taken longer and longer to get new vines. So now we old timers who remember the taste of wine and how to make it are just waiting for the last replanted vineyards to start bearing grapes - assuming there are no new barbarian invasions where they get destroyed again. In the meantime, I can offer you some ale light. It's what everyone around here now drinks."
"Ale light? What is ale light?"
"Oh, it’s a wonderful new beverage introduced to us by the barbarians who have settled in these parts. We local Romans have grown to love it. Then again..." the old woman paused and sighed. "We have to love it as it’s the only thing with alcohol to drink around here anymore..."
"Ok, I'll try this new ale light drink of yours or rather of these barbarians. I want some bread with olive oil to start with. Then I'd like..."
"I am sorry mister," the old woman replied. "We don't have any olive oil for the bread..."
"You don't have olive oil for the bread?" he looked perplexed.
"That's right. The first invading barbarian tribe also destroyed our olive trees along with all the olive oil presses. We then replanted the olive trees, but they kept getting destroyed by subsequent barbarian invaders. As with the wine, I can only hope we old-timers who remember the taste of olive oil and how to make it can survive long enough for the olive trees to start producing again - assuming they don't get destroyed by any new invading barbarians. In the meantime, you will have to eat the bread plain..."
"Alright," the old man said in an annoyed voice. "I'll eat the bread plain. Then I also want your chicken special. You do still have chickens around here for your chicken special?"
"Yes mister, we still have chickens for our chicken special. Even though every invading barbarian tribe likes to kill and eat every chicken they get their hands on, they usually can't catch or find all of them. We always hide at least one rooster and a hen to get them quickly breeding again. It just so happens we have one chicken special ready to eat..."
"Good! I'll take that and the bread to start with..."
"I'll be right back with your bread and chicken..."
The old woman disappeared into the kitchen and returned a few minutes later holding a loaf of bread with one hand and a live chicken by the throat in her other hand. She sat them down on the table in front of the old man and the chicken began to squawk and flap its wings...
"What is this?!!" asked the bewildered old man pointing at the squawking chicken.
"Your bread and chicken special!"
"But the chicken is alive!!!"
"Yes..."
"How am I supposed to eat a live chicken?!!"
"Well, well, well, aren't we the Roman patrician!" she laughed sarcastically. "Have you been living as a hermit in a hermitage for the past few decades?"
"Actually, yes..." said the old man with a sigh... "I have been living alone in a remote cave house high up in the mountains where it is still peaceful and quiet for many years..."
"Ahhh! Let me explain the new normal and how things have changed here in Campania since the so-called great reset so many years ago..." The old woman waves her finger at the old man. "Whenever any invading barbarians get done with all of their pillaging, raping, and enslaving, some always decide to settle around here because the climate is very nice and it's still beautiful - even after they destroy everything. They would come into the tavern here and order a live chicken. Then they chop off the chicken's head with one of those big swords they always carry around. After they rip off all the feathers, they chop up the chicken with their swords or they tear it apart with their bare hands to eat the whole thing raw. As you can imagine, the blood, feathers, and entails go everywhere and it makes a real mess here in the tavern, but what can I say or do? It’s their culture and how they like to eat chicken. Then the younger surviving Romans around here started imitating the ways of their barbarian neighbors. However, they and the barbarian settlers who aren't soldiers are not allowed to carry swords or own knives. What they do is bite the necks of the chickens to kill them and rip them apart with their bare hands..."
The old man's mouth dropped, he took a deep breath and sighed...
"If I am going to eat chicken, I would prefer it to be already killed, plucked, and cooked!"
"As you wish my patrician friend, as you wish!" she laughed. "I hope the cook remembers how to do all that - it's been so long since anyone around here has asked for a cooked chicken..."
"And can I have a plate with some utensils?"
"Let me go check back in the kitchen to see if we still have some plates and utensils left as no one uses them around here anymore either..."
She disappeared into the kitchen with the chicken special before returning some minutes later with the loaf of bread on a plate. She then went behind the bar to pour some ale light into a large mug before returning to the table.
"I got you some of our ale light and bread. And it turned out that whoever the last barbarian invaders were, they did not steal or smash our remaining plates. However, we don't have any knives to cut the bread as they were confiscated long ago as part of Roman knife control."
"Thank you."
The old man picked up the mug. As he moved the mug closer to his face, he wrinkled his nose and quickly set the mug down again. He looked closer at the ale light in the mug before glaring back at the old woman.
"Umm, what is this floating around in my ale and why does it smell like piss?"
"Oh, those are just some kind of worms or larvae that always come with ale light! They may look unappealing, but they are harmless and add to the ale light's rich full-bodied flavor. And as far as the piss smell is concerned, that's how ale light is supposed to smell!"
The old man sighed, held his nose, and took a small sip while carefully avoiding the worms or larvae floating on the surface. He then began violently spitting out the ale light while coughing.
She started slapping him on the back. "Are you alright my patrician friend?"
"It tastes like water mixed with piss!" the old man said incredulously as he continued to cough.
"Well, that's how the barbarians like their ale light - smelling and tasting like water mixed with piss! You know, they usually down the whole mug in just one gulp! I guess you can dilute it further with some water like how we Romans used to dilute our wine - back when we actually had wine..."
"Yes, I better take some water with my ale!"
The old woman went to the bar and returned to his table with some water.
The old man had finally stopped coughing and turned his attention to the bread. However, he struggled to tear a piece of it off.
"The bread!" he said in an annoyed voice as he started pounding the table with it. "It’s hard as a rock!"
"Careful!" the old woman scolded. "You might damage the table! The bread is actually fresher than normal as it’s only a few weeks old."
"A few weeks old?!" the old man said incredulously.
"Yes. That's about as fresh as the bread gets around here these days given that all the experienced bakers were either killed or enslaved by the barbarians long ago. Bread being old and stale has been the new normal around here for almost as long as anyone can remember."
"But how am I supposed to eat this without breaking a tooth?"
"Well, if you don't want to break one of your delicate patrician teeth on our bread, I would suggest dipping it in the ale light to soften it up a bit. That's what the barbarians taught us and now we Romans do it too when we eat bread... That is... When we have any bread to eat..."
Suddenly, the front door of the tavern swung open. A young barefoot lady wearing a dirty torn dress with a look of terror ran inside the tavern clutching a tabby cat like it was her baby.
"They are coming! They are coming!" she screamed while running one hand through her long and disheveled hair. "Oh please, please you must hide me and my pussy from them!"
She threw herself on the ground in front of the old woman and began sobbing while still clinging onto the bewildered cat.
"Hide you and your pussy? Hide you and pussy from whom?" said the old woman.
"Undocumented tribesmen and cultural enrichers are rampaging through my village just over that hill where smoke is now rising from! And they are grabbing all the young women and their pussies!"
She pointed out the tavern window to the black smoke rising in the distance...
"Undocumented tribesmen and cultural enrichers?" the old woman said perplexed. "Oh, you must mean more barbarians. Is Italy having another barbarian invasion?"
"You silly old woman, haven't you heard?!!" the young woman scolded the old woman in an annoyed voice. "Undocumented tribesmen and cultural enrichers are just on the other side of the hill where smoke is now rising from what was once my peaceful little village!"
"Well, I'm sorry young lady," the old woman said. "I haven't been looking out the window or paying much attention to what goes on outside the tavern, and we don't have many travelers bringing us news. And at my age, I have been through so many different barbarian invasions. Let's see..." she scratched her head in thought. "First there were the Vandals, then the Visigoths, and the Huns, then came the Avars or maybe they were Goths, and then the Lombards, and then the… Well, I forget who the rest of them were and what order they invaded. Although our patrician politicians would say they were mostly peaceful invaders, they were all just a bunch of bloodthirsty barbarians to me. After a while, you grow numb to them coming through your village to do the usual pillaging and burning. Oh, and of course, all their usual raping or enslaving and pussy grabbing!" She casts a mischievous grin towards the young lady and her cat.
"Raping or enslaving and pussy grabbing?!" the young lady said in a hysterical voice. "I am too young to be raped or enslaved and I don’t want them grabbing my pussy!"
She began sobbing again.
"Let me tell you something young lady," said the tavern keeper as she waved her finger at the young lady. "There is one thing that I have learned through many years of continuous barbarian invasions and that is no one, absolutely no one, is too young to be raped or enslaved by them! And don’t even ask what they might do to your pussy after grabbing it!"
The young lady let out another sob and her cat let out a meow as she clutched him or her harder.
"But aren't you afraid of them coming over the hill to pillage your village and then rape and enslave you?"
"Pillage this village? There's nothing of value left for them to pillage here after all of the other barbarian invasions! And what would they want with a toothless old hag like me who's been forced to work as a serf in this tavern her whole life just to be able to eat some hard bread when there are still some young and attractive Roman ladies like yourself around here with a nice pussy for them to grab!"
The old woman put her hands on her hips and cast another mischievous grin at the young lady who let out another sob. Her cat let out another meow as she clutched him or her harder.
"But is there anything, I mean anything I can do to avoid being raped or enslaved and having my pussy grabbed?"
The old woman began rubbing her head slowly.
"Let me think now... Yes, now I remember. Around the time of the first big barbarian invasions, our local patrician mayor would tell all of us young pretty plebian Roman women that if you didn't want to be raped or enslaved and have our pussies grabbed by these... oh... what did he and all the other patrician politicians refer to them as back in those days?" She rubbed her forehead vigorously. "Oh yes, they used to call them what you just called them: 'undocumented tribesmen and cultural enrichers.' Yes, if you don't want to be raped or enslaved by roving bands of ‘mostly peaceful undocumented tribesmen and cultural enrichers' or have your pussies grabbed by them, you need to maintain an arm’s length distance from them, stick within your own group, ask any bystanders for help or intervene on your behalf, and/or inform any local legionary of what was happening to you. The patrician politicians also declared safe spaces for us to take refuge in with our pussies. And they said if we agreed to become their serfs under a new system they called feudalism, they would protect us from the barbarians…"
"Did any of that work? I mean, did it stop anyone from being raped or enslaved and having thier pussies grabbed by them?"
The old woman let out a long sigh.
"I am afraid not. You see, the barbarians would always just grab any woman, man, or young boy who they wanted to rape or enslave or both. Then the barbarians started to outnumber us Romans around here to the point where it became impossible for us to stay within our own group. After all, not everyone was a patrician who could afford to live inside a moated and walled villa called a castle or one of those newly walled and gated communities. And when bystanders tried to intervene to protect you, the barbarians would simply kill them because they had weapons and we had no swords or even knives to protect ourselves with..." She paused... "Oh and as far as the legionaries were concerned, they were useless because practically all of them were already barbarians themselves - they had no interest in protecting us Roman plebians from other barbarians. Actually, the legionaries were only interested in trying to save themselves from being killed by all of the new barbarians who were following in their barbarian footsteps or from having the patrician politicians replace them with new barbarians. The safe spaces for us also turned out to be useless as they soon became the first places the barbarians would look for us. And although we had agreed to become serfs in exchange for protection under the patrician politicians, they refused to or were unable to protect us. In fact, the patrician politicians would pay off the barbarians to not sack their villas and then tell them where us serfs were hiding so we would get attacked. This was, of course, before the barbarians kicked most of the patricians out of their walled villas or communities and simply replaced them. So the rest of us just learned to do what you were doing: Grab our pussies and run as fast as possible over the nearest hill to hide whenever they approached and hope they don't follow or can't keep up."
The young lady moaned and the cat let out a meow as she clutched him or her harder...
"Was it always like this? I mean, us Romans living in fear of being raped and/or enslaved and having our pussies grabbed if we were not rich patricians or politicians living inside walled, moated, and gated villas or communities?"
"It’s been like this for as long as I can remember and I am close to half a century old - older than most surviving Romans around here!"
The young lady sighed again and the cat let out another meow.
"My fair lady," said the old man. "What is your name and the name of your cat?"
She looked up and over at the old man.
"My name? It's Snowflakia, but all my friends call me Snowflake. And I call my pussy Romeo."
"That is a beautiful name for a young Roman lady and for a cat. Now to answer your question. No, it was not always like this for us Romans. You see, Rome was once a great empire where most citizens lived in relative peace and prosperity with their cats rather than poverty and fear or behind high walls and moats.."
"Well, you must be much older than me to remember any peace and prosperity!" said the old woman. "I just remember being a little girl when the Vandals invaded and they took everything we had - including my pussy. And ever since then, it's been one invading barbarian tribe after another coming through to pillage, rape, and enslave whatever the previous barbarian invaders hadn't pillaged, raped, or enslaved already. Eventually, you learn to live with it and them as your neighbors when they decide to settle down next to you. What did the patrician politicians call it and the new system they implemented?" She paused to think. "Ahh yes, the 'great reset' or 'new normal' under feudalism. I mean, take the Vandals for example. When they were finally done with the initial pillaging, raping, and enslaving, some of them settled right next door to my family. Sure, they kept a stolen chariot up on blocks in their front yard the whole time they lived there before the Visigoths drove most of them out, but we could still go outside and play when we did not see them out and about. But soon, all the barbarians who chose to settle here along with the new invaders began to outnumber us - that's when everything changed. We could barely leave our hovels as the pillaging, raping, and enslaving of anyone they came into contact with never stopped! And when there wasn't enough food to go around, some of the barbarians ate my pussy who I loved dearly right in front of me on our chariot way, and almost every other one they could get their hands on!" She frowned...
The young lady let out a defeated sigh as she ran her hand through her disheveled hair. The cat let out another meow.
"But... but... but how did everything go so wrong for us Romans? I mean, how did Rome and us Romans go from living in peace and prosperity to living in poverty and constant fear of being raped or enslaved and having our pussies grabbed by undocumented tribesmen and cultural enrichers?"
"My dear Snowflake, that is a very long story... " said the old man as he gently petted Romeo’s head. Snowflake began to relax her grip on the cat who began to gently purr. "You see, many years ago when I was still a boy maybe a little younger than you, Rome had an emperor named Obamacus Magnanimitas Africanus..."
While we are bombarded with woke propaganda buried into every story line from Hollywood to fiction literature these days, there is hardly any NON-WOKE satire (beyond the Babylon Bee etc) and/or fictional/satirical writing along the lines of George Orwell, Ayn Rand and the like. And besides, publishers won’t touch such material these days - meaning there is little monetary incentive for such writing…
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COVIDsteria: An Oral History of America’s Great Reset (Table of Contents) is a fictional satire along the lines of a Studs Terkel oral history or Max Brooks' World War Z published as a serialized book on Substack while Tales From the Great Reset is our occasional satirical short-story series:
I Had a One-Night Stand With a Russian Named Vlad – Here is What I Learned
I Went to the Ukraine to Play Call of Duty and Get Laid, But Got Banged Up Abroad Instead
I was a Project Veritas Victim. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you
I am not a groomer. Why inclusive school curriculum needs to cover gender
Welcome to 2030: I Own Nothing, Have No Privacy and Life Has Never Been Better
Inside a GOP Brainstorming Session on How to Sabotage Their Chances of Winning an Election
In addition, BREAD&CIRCUSES is our weekly humor roundup posts plus check out our links to alternative news/resources…
And don’t forget to visit/like/share all of our ongoing meme/humor posts covering COVIDsteria, RUSSOphobia, and whatever the next psyop they try to force upon us!
Who is writing this crap?